Monday, May 28, 2012

The Weirdest Day of My Life

[The following is an actual email I sent to my sister last year. Names have been changed to protect the innocent! Also, the NOTES were not in the original email. Finally, the email looks kinda long, so I used CAPS on occasion for your reading pleasure.]
Just wanted to share a story with you because I think you might find it funny. 
I’ve been hanging out with OUR COUSIN TAE MIN (from Incheon) lately. [*NOTE - Incheon is a city directly west of Seoul, the 3rd largest in South Korea] Man, he’s totally different from when we were kids. He’s totally METROSEXUAL! He works part time as a “HOST MODEL” which are really handsome dudes that work as bartenders, but also provide someone to talk to for lonely women (I don’t know if you’re familiar with stuff like this, I think it’s big in Japan). So he told me he spends $500 a month on clothes and accessories, like various bling, shoes, vests, scarves, etc. His hair is quite the coif, one of those really metro haircuts that really handsome guys get out here, like the singers and actors etc. He’s got the same goofy sense of humor as he did as a kid, but now in this complete metrosexual ensemble.
Anyway, after a over a year of exchanging phone calls with him and not actually hanging out, we finally meet up in Incheon. I meet him at a bar and it’s TAE MIN, a GIRL he had met at a club, her overweight friend, and another dude, Tae Min’s friend, a chubby friendly guy we’ll call ‘JEOLLA-DO’. 
So we’re drinking and having fun and Tae Min really wants me to connect with the Girl. She says she’s a bartender. She’s seems a bit loud and a little on the skanky side. But she overall she was cute, so, what the hell. So all of us end up going to her apartment really late into the night. The plan was for us to have a drink there, then Tae Min and his friend would leave. 
We go into her place. This turns out to be a total trip. The entire place is COVERED IN PINK. She actually painted the walls pink herself, to go with a giant pink comforter. She also has about EVERY SINGLE HELLO KITTY ITEM KNOWN TO MAN. She’s got stuffed animals, blankets, dog bowls, bathroom items. slippers, and on and on. She’s wearing pink Hello Kitty pajamas. She offers us something to drink and proceeds to bring out 4 DIFFERENT HELLO KITTY MUGS. The whole thing reminded me of the Terri Garr character in After Hours, like this weird lonely girl, everything in the apartment was extremely clean, almost sterile, but there was something odd and borderline sinister to it all. 
Anyway, Tae Min and his friend leave. I’m alone with the girl and it’s a little bit awkward. After a few minutes she suddenly calls Tae Min and asks him to come back. And for some inexplicable reason, he does! With Jeolla-do! We all end up passing out on the floor of her tiny apartment.  
The next day, since it was a 3 day weekend, me, Tae Min and Jeolla-do decide to go to “Night” which is the Konglish term for booking club, because Tae Min really wants to see me meet a girl. We spend the day just lounging around his apartment.
But all of the sudden, his friend becomes THE WEIRDEST GUY IN THE UNIVERSE. I hear the place he’s from, Jeolla-do (hence the name), is the country side of Korea. Well there must be some real hicks out there, because this guy has no clue about modern societal customs. Like TAKING A SHIT WITH THE DOOR CLOSED! He goes into the bathroom and takes a shit with the door wide open. It’s a tiny studio apartment. He’s taking a shit, and smokes one cigarette and another while on the throne, for what felt like the longest shit taking session in human history. He also hocks one loogie after another into the drain of the bathroom. My mind is completely blown and I think I just laid down on the bed and tried to pretend I was somewhere else. 
After the 2 hour shit, Jeolla-do decides to take a shower. But again, HE KEEPS THE BATHROOM DOOR WIDE OPEN! This fat, butt-naked dude is mere steps away, water from the shower splashing into Tae Min’s apt floor. The whole time Tae Min doesn’t react to this like it’s weird. Until like 20 minutes later when he laughs and says, ‘Water’s splashing all over my floor!” He wipes it with a towel, but doesn’t even close the door! Jeolla-do then finishes his shower. And then proceeds to stand in the middle of the tiny apartment BUTT-NAKED! He’s toweling himself off in the middle of the fucking studio. I’m blocking out everything that’s happening by staring at the internet. I’ve never so intensely studied baseball scores in my life! The dude’s fat ass is right behind me and it’s fucking the weirdest shit ever. Then we sit around and watch TV while Tae Min gets ready, and Jeolla-do hocks a loogie every 5 minutes into a little paper cup. I’m about to throw up, but I try to be polite because I just met this guy, so I don’t run for the hills or anything, I just calmly wait.
Then Tae Min suggests I change my clothes and borrow some of his for the club. So I try on outfit after outfit. Needless to say, this was the most metro moment of my existence. I was wearing skinny jeans, vests, rings, bracelets, etc. He even tried tying these lacy scarves around my neck, but I couldn’t handle that. Even though this wasn’t my thing, I went with it thinking this was the stuff Korean girls dig. 
After we figure out my outfit, Jeolla-do, with this inexplicable enthusiasm, fixes up my hair. He takes fucking forever and I can barely stand it. I mean, the dude was naked or shitting or hocking loogies all day long, so I don’t really feel too comfortable with his tousling my hair. He’s finally done. And I LOOK TOTALLY FUCKING METRO, 11 on a scale of 10. But Jeolla-do and Tae Min are beaming as they think the hairstyle rocks. Jeolla-do can’t get over how good a job he’s done and keeps staring at his handy work. Then he would periodically look at me, reach over to my head, and re-adjust a strand. This happened like 10 times while we were waiting for Tae Min. I’m praying for him to finish getting ready, but he takes about 6 and a half hours, trying on one outfit after another, styling and re-styling his hair. Man, I just want to get the fuck outta here so Jeolla-do gets the fuck away and stop fiddling with my Goddamn uber perfect metrosexual coif! 
We finally go to the club. I don’t know at what point of the night this started, but Jeolla-do now KEEPS TOUCHING ME. Like every five minutes. He talks to me then, lays a hand on my shoulder. He caresses my arm. At one point late in the night he walks past me in the club and his hand grabs my shoulder then slides it’s way down to my stomach, inches away from my crotch, in this bizarre loving caress. I really don’t know if this guy was gay or just THE WEIRDEST MOTHERFUCKER ALIVE. 
We stay out late and of course I pass out after 5 drinks [NOTE - I’m a total lightweight]. But Jeolla-do, sitting across from me at the table, suddenly STOMPS MY FOOT to wake me up. I look up to see there’s no expression on his face. There’s no “I was joking around” smile on his face. He’s just blank. 
A moment later I pass out again. And he STOMPS MY FOOT AGAIN. I wake up to the same blank face. At that point, I’ve had enough and I just walk off and try to avoid this fucking insane idiot for the rest of the night.

We leave the club and I tell them I’m gonna take off. The subway is open at this point and I want to cab it over there. But Jeolla-do insists on driving me back to Seoul since he’s going there too. He wont take no for an answer. So I agree. We go outside and we’re smoking. He suddenly disappears and comes back with this HUMONGOUS BAG OF SNACKS from the convenience store. We all stand out there and he’s snacking and snacking and snacking. Smoking, snacking, hocking loogies, on and on and on. I tell them I have to go, I’m gonna take a cab. He finally drops everything and we get in the car.
He then proceeds to drive. AT ABOUT 10 MPH. Cars are whizzing by us left and right. This night will literally never end. He won’t stop hocking loogies. He wont stop touching my arm when talking. I want to blow my brains out. I tell him to just drop me off at the subway station. He does. 
Despite everything I try to give my warmest good-bye in Korean just to be polite. 
He kinda gives me a half-hearted grunt. 
Anyway, that was the single weirdest night of my life. How’s things in NY?


  1. Haha haha....... how did I get here? I dunno but you got some interesting stories man.

  2. Haha haha....... how did I get here? I dunno but you got some interesting stories man.