A Weird Dude May Be Following Me

When I have to do busy work I go to cafes near my apartment. I’m one of those people that cannot do any work at home for whatever reason. So my baseball cap wearing, crappy LG Netbook using ass is constantly in one of the many cafes in my area. 

A couple of days ago I went to a chain called Cafe Pascucci and sat in the outdoor smoking area. Two tables down is a 40 year old man, hair slicked back with product, wearing sweat pants, sitting alone, smoking, with an ice coffee. He proceeds to let out one ultra-depressing, morbid sigh after another. About one every 3 minutes. In the States the ‘insane weirdo in a public place’ situation is a pretty common thing, especially if you’ve lived in NY or LA. In America we just ignore it and go about our daily lives. Here it’s pretty uncommon, so I’m getting pretty freaked out because I think he’s gonna pull out a gun any minute and start blasting away all the poor folks who just wanted to get a Cafe Mocha and chat about the latest episode of K Pop Superstar (one of the numerous singing competition shows out here). So I move inside by the front door, figuring I can at least dodge the first series of shots and jet like the UBER-PUSSY that I am. But 30 minutes later, he comes inside and sits two tables away from me again. And again, the utterly morose, ‘world is coming to an end’ sighing. There’s no way I can move again at this point, because then it’s obvious I’m creeped out by the guy, which may turn on the ‘insanity button’ in his head and really make him go postal. So I just pretend not to notice the sighing and continue with my writing. He does leave in a few minutes however. 

I’m now at a coffee shop across the street called Dalkomm, sitting in their outdoor smoking area and HERE’S THE DUDE AGAIN. He’s not sighing, but just staring out into space like a zombie. He’s got the same slicked back hair and sweat pants deal. But no ice coffee, just a cup of the free lemon flavored tap water they provide here. He walks by my table and I can FEEL HIM STARING AT ME, (possibly because he remembered me from two days ago?). I have to pretend not to notice him again, because I don’t want to have to make polite small talk with an insane person just to prevent the mindless stabbing of folks sipping on green tea lattes and wondering if they should get plastic surgery on their lower eyelids (it’s a thing out here). To my relief he leaves after about 20 minutes. A half an hour later he COMES BACK to the SAME table. He’s got ONE CHOCO PIE and is eating it and staring out into space again. He drops a crumb on the table then quickly makes it stick to his finger and vacuums it up into his mouth. DEE-lish!

There isn’t a more depressing sight then watching a dude bring ONE CHOCO PIE to a coffee shop to eat by himself. A choco pie can be downed in about 30 seconds. After you pay for it you can probably finish it and throw away the wrapper before your ass even leaves the convenience store. The fact that he brought it to the coffee shop means he WAITED to eat it SPECIFICALLY at the coffee shop. Meaning eating ONE CHOCO PIE is like SOMETHING TO DO. Like for example, some bring their laptop to write in their blog (like moi). Some might study for an exam or work on a school project. This guy comes to the coffee shop to eat ONE CHOCO PIE. Not even a BOX of choco pies. At least that’s like “I’m too cheap to buy the coffee shop desserts but I just want to chill and have a snack and pass the time so I’ll bring this box of choco pies instead”. It’s just ONE CHOCO PIE. This combined with his ‘all dressed up with nowhere to go ’ slick back hair is just an utterly depressing visual experience. 

If you hear about some crazy dude in the Gangnam area of Seoul chainsawing to death ice blended cappucino drinking folks talking about avoiding dinner for several weeks because of their ‘diet’ (it’s a thing out here) then…know that I’m okay. My pussy-ass moved near the front door…

Sounds Old People Make

I hesitated posting this entry because I don’t want to create any more negative stereotypes of Koreans/Asians than there already are. But this falls in line the blog’s humorous observation of cultural differences theme. Racist fucks that happen to read this and are obsessed with stereotyping shouldn’t make me censor myself. Korea is an amazing country with a tremendous economic future, an emphasis on education and infrastructure. As of this moment there are 6 subway lines or extensions being constructed. And none of them smell like urine! Take that racist foreigner! 

Onto the blog entry:

SUCKING ON TEETH

This is usually old men. I don’t know the rhyme or reason why this noise is made. One would assume it’s because food is stuck in the teeth. But when I hear on old man make this noise, it just seems to go on and on forever. I took the express bus from my neighborhood to the airport, about 30 minutes. The entire ride there, the bus driver made this noise non-stop, every 3 minutes minutes on cue. Either you just gotta give up and realize that piece of beef ain’t coming out, or wait until you get your hands on some modern marvel of technology, like the toothpick or dental floss!

But this is nowhere near as common as-

SNAPPING ON GUM

This is almost always old women. Sometimes you’ll ride the subway and, just like with the teeth sucking noise, it will just go on for the duration of your ride, 30 minutes or more. And since it continues after you get off, who knows how long this snapping session goes on for. I wonder what happens on a gum snapping old lady’s average day:

- Wake up, and still groggy with sleep, reach for gum. Snap! 

- Finish breakfast. Gum hidden in the back of the mouth. Snap!

- Take a shower. Snap! Snap!

- Go to work. Snap-mania!

- Evening power walk. Snap-snap-snap-a-roo!

- Go to bed. Put head down on pillow. Snap! Zzzzzzzzzzz.

But this is nowhere near as common as-

HOCKING LOOGIES

This is nothing short of a phenomenon here. It’s mostly old men, but a fair share of old women do this as well. People hock loogies at any place, any time, any situation. On the street. On the subway platform. On the bus. On the stairs. In hallways. In elevators. The public restroom is quite a popular place. An old man will get his flem wad ready about 5 steps before he hits the urinal, then splat a huge wad just before he takes a whiz. 

My subway stop is a mere 3 minute walk from my apartment but I almost always hear someone hocking before I hit the stairs. Then, inside the train, people are always making the hocking noise but not spitting. Hock and swallow it so it goes right back into your throat?! Can anyone tell me the point of this?!  I’ll lie in bed at night and just as I’m about to fall asleep, I’ll hear a loud hock from the alleyway 4 floors down. You can’t escape!

Just wanted to pleasantly share the top three loogie hocking moments of my two years here. BTW, all of these examples happened in a split second and my eyes just instinctively followed this stuff before my brain could tell me to look away or be scarred for eternity. 

3. Old man walks across me, begins hocking. He proceeds to, what looks like, CHEW on the loogie for a moment. Then slowly oozes out a line of flem from his mouth. Deee-li-shuss!

2. I get out of my apartment to go to work and of course withing a few steps a loogie hocker walks towards me. This guy had a crazy look in his eyes, like he may have just gotten out of the mental institution. Instead of the traditional hocking noise, he makes a noise that sounded a lot closer to THROWING UP. Then out comes a humongous flem glob. But the odd part was, he did not lower his head even a millimeter, his head was in the exact same upright position. And he didn’t even spit it, it just kinda falls out of his mouth. The glob was a centimeter away from his clothes, yet somehow managed to avoid touching anything. This guy either didn’t care if flem splattered all over his clothes, or was such a spitting expert that he knew the bare minimum amount of effort needed to clear his jeans! Scrump-shuss!

1. Walking to Yonsei University in the morning for my Korean class. There’s a 4-way crosswalk. I’m coming across one diagonal crosswalk, a dude in the other. We’re walking and about to hit the center at the same time. Right as he walks past me, he hocks a giant loogie. I look down and see the BIGGEST PILE OF FLEM IN HUMAN HISTORY. It was literally a COUPLE OF INCHES OFF THE GROUND. Not just a splatty wad of spit, it was visible mounds of greenish-brown. I felt the barf rise up in the back of my throat, quickly looked away and tried to block the image out of my mind just so I could keep my food down. I don’t know what kind of demonic virus this dude must’ve had, but the pile was so big part of me thinks he may have been just saving that shit up so he could make a huge pile of flem intentionally. Ah, it’s good to have a hobby! De-lec-tuh-bull! (BTW, had a brain fart and couldn’t think of a mere 2nd synonym for ‘delicious’. Thanks Thesaurus.com!) 

Getting Hammered

I am a lightweight.

2 drinks and I feel a buzz. 3 and my whole body turns red and I turn into a circus clown trying to make everyone around me laugh. 

Being a lightweight is not good for a prolonged stay in Korea. I’m a conservative drinker and have puked from drinking just twice in my life. Both times it was a mixture of alcohol and motion sickness (train, cab, NOT PRETTY). In my 2 years in Korea I’ve matched that total (stories below) and NEITHER time involved motion sickness. In Korea you drink, drink, and drink some more. It’s just a big part of life out here. 

According to Wikipedia, Korea ranks 14th in per capita alcohol consumption. In comparison, the U.S. is 57th and Japan is 70th. (for those keeping score, #1 is Moldovia. Oh, those drunken lunatic Moldovians!). Common sights every weekend (AND weekdays) include girls who can BARELY STAND being helped home by a pair of jolly friends. Guys in business suits wobbling through the streets, shit talking talking the crap outta each other. And people TOTALLY PASSED OUT on the SIDEWALK, completely alone, NO ONE HELPING THEM. (For further proof, check out this link: http://blackoutkorea.blogspot.com/)

One night I saw a well-dressed woman completely passed out at the top of the subway station escalator. Oddly, her heels were perfectly aligned right next to her. Either a passerby thought it was a kind gesture (oh, how about, I don’t know, GETTING SOME HELP?!) or the woman had the bearings to arrange them herself before her asphalt siesta. Keep it classy San Diego!!!

For those unfamiliar, the usual drink of choice is SOJU, the most revolting concoction in the history of the human existence. It pretty much tastes like what one would think rubbing alcohol would. Even if you have a chaser a centimeter away from your lips, it’s still a complete and utter struggle to make that nasty shit slide down your throat. But that’s partly because of my puss-tastic alcohol tolerance. The natives drink soju like it’s water. In fact, sometimes it’s actually CHEAPER! Soju can get as low as 1,000 Korean won (about 1 U.S. dollar!).

Anyway, onto my two drinking stories. Again, I’m a total lightweight so these are not your black-out, hanging from a tree butt-naked, Justin Bieber’s smiling face newly tattooed on your ass, type of drinking stories, but more of the mildly amusing sort…

One night I decide to go drink with my co-workers on a weekday night. At the time I was working at an academy teaching English in the evenings and studying Korean at Yonsei University for 4 hours each morning. My schedule was insane, and I felt like I should have one night to have a little fun. But I brought my textbook with me to the bar to study for the next day’s quiz, which my co-workers wouldn’t stop ripping on me for. Whatever, I know an entire list of college science majors in Korean, so back off! (to this day I still haven’t used any of them!)

But it actually worked in my favor as a cute white chick used it as an ice breaker and asked me why I was studying at a bar. In a few moments I put the book away in my bag and tried to connect with the girl instead. My co-workers kept handing me one shot of soju after another. I have never blacked out in my life, but there were parts of that night that don’t exist in my brain so I must’ve drank A LOT of soju.

I remember ending up at the girl’s place somehow, but we both just passed out. After a little bit, I got up to go puke in the bathroom. But inexplicably, I went for the sink instead of the toilet. After I hurled, I stood in front of that sink for what felt like an eternity trying to get all the puke to go down the drain. I remember seeing what looked like an unusually large RED PEPPER FLAKE floating in the mix of puke and water. I eventually get it all down the drain and passed out again.

The next week I ended up hanging out at her place again. I get up to go use the bathroom and she says something to the effect of “By the way, my sink drain hasn’t been working too well lately. I have no idea why”. I did! :) 

A few months later I get a new co-worker, a Korean dude that spent some years growing up in Australia. No soju this time as we only drink beer, but the tab is well over $100. It’s about $5 a bottle so I must’ve drank at least 10 beers. Again, I normally get drunk over 3 beers. So I’m HAMMERED. I’m ‘THREE SHEETS TO THE WIND’. I’m at ‘DEFCON 1’. I’m ‘ANIAHALATED’ (thanks Urban Dictionary! I can’t believe the latter is an actual term!). Well it turns out my co-worker’s a huge pimp and manages to convince two hot bartenders to go to ANOTHER BAR with us after their SHIFT ENDS. 

We go to the 2nd bar and in a few moments I breezily glide over to the bathroom and proceed to PUKE MY BRAINS OUT. I return to see my co-worker getting the girls to play these little drinking games where the “punishment” is not only do you have to take a shot, but a girl has to pick a guy to make out with and vice versa.

Without hesitation, my freshly vomit coated tongue is trying it’s best to find the back of the hot bartenders’ throats. Hope I didn’t leave an unusually large RED PEPPER FLAKE down one of them!

Needless to say, a TERRIFIC NIGHT!!!!

Waiting in Line

Among the many cultural differences in Korea, one that sticks out is the simple act of waiting in-line. 

Basically if you’re not JAMMING IT UP THE ASS of the person in front of you someone will CUT YOU IN LINE.

I remember the time when I first started to notice this, I was at a crowded McDonald’s on a Saturday afternoon, filled with children and families. A woman just zips right in front of me and orders an ice cream cone. Now, it wasn’t like a few feet back where it was a possibility that I could have been just staring at the menu. I was one person back, close enough to show that I was clearly waiting in line, at least by the standards I know.

But the woman just zips in front of me and orders, not bothering to check if I was about to order myself. I then decided to see if I just stayed in the same spot how many other people would cut me as well. To my own quiet amusement, about five other groups cut me in line. Not a single person (nor the counterperson) asking if I was waiting to order. 

What could I possibly have been standing there for? Perhaps I was waiting for the messiah of all fast food mascots himself, Ronald McDonald to make one of his surprise in-store appearances? Just show up at lunch time on a Saturday, stand in the middle of the store, hope for the miracle of all miracles. What a huge jip it would be if that fat fuck Grimace showed up instead. A swift kick to his purple testicles would wipe that smile off his face! 

Maybe I’m a vegan that desperately misses the taste of Big Macs and standing in the middle of McDonald’s and getting second-hand whiffs is all the fix I need to make me jizz in my pants?

Could I have been stalking one of the counter girls? They look mighty attractive in them uniforms. Damn those ball caps! Accessories always complete an outfit!

Anyway, the most obvious reason someone would be standing near the counter of a McDonald’s would be to order a goddamn-HEARTY-and-DELICIOUS-mega-UNHEALTHY-mild-STOMACHACHE-inducing meal! 

Another time, I was at the snack counter at the movies, but this time, I wasn’t testing anything. I swear I took my eyes off the line for like a second (probably checking out some hot chick), when an old man just swoops in front of me. Here, clearly I wasn’t looking at the menu (damn, Korean chicks sure do love booty shorts!). But again, you snooze, you lose. 

I finally get to the counter in the girl tells me that someone has been closed.! Ugh! I glanced over to the other line and there are THREE PEOPLE WAITING. Unbelievable. 

I get on this line and here’s where I began my strategy of butt-fucking the guy ahead of me. I’m still looking off to the side but now it’s to fend off the fuckers that are trying to cut me left and right. Soon, two people of the three are done, the third at the counter. I’m in a lousy mood because it’s taking 15 years to get some goddamn Junior Mints. Suddenly, I hear in Korean. “Next person in line!” The line that they closed off 10 minutes ago suddenly opens up again! 27 years for a box of Jujubees! Amazing!

Lesson learned. So if you’re ever in Korea, you know what to do to avoid line cutters. 

Just remember as a common courtesy to give a reach around.

The Reason Why So Many White Guys Date Asian Girls (and Vice Versa)

[The following is written as a stand-up comedy bit. The delivery I hear in my head is an Asian Chris Rock.]

Man, there be a lot of white dudes dating Asian girls. A lot of white dudes dating Asian girls. Everywhere you go, LA, NY, there they are. White guy and Asian girl couple. Always holding hands, always sure to show everyone on the street that they’ve looked past racial barriers and love the SHIT outta each other.

It all make an Asian brother wanna throw up.

I even lived in Korea for a few years and ironically it’s over there too. You can’t fucking avoid it. There they go, arm in arm, hand in hand, loving the shit outta each other. Umm, umm, umm. Romance! You can’t stop that romance from happening. You can’t stop the love that unites two people. It’s a Goddamn SIN to stop two people from loving each other, whatever race, creed, age difference, sexual orientation. That’s right, I ain’t one to talk shit about one of the few beautiful aspects of the human existence.

The problem is, when you see a white dude with an Asian girl, a lot of the time it ain’t love. Don’t get me wrong, there’s real couples out there of course. My best friend from high school, a white dude, married an Asian girl. Two beautiful children, a house, double 6 figure incomes, the whole deal. They might as well get a Goddamn white picket fence to show all they neighbors how perfect they are! They are legitimately in love, they are ABSOLUTELY perfect for each other. This is not the couple I’m talking about.

There’s another kind of white dude/Asian girl couple I’m talking about. They’re together for a reason, and it ain’t love. They are together for ONE reason in particular, and it AIN’T love.

Now, there’s a lot of theories out there about why so many white dudes date Asian girls, but they all wrong. It’s not because white men see Asian women as submissive sex toys. It’s not because of some residual power trip left over from the Vietnam and Korean wars and all the stereotypes that came out of that. It’s not the media’s perception of Asian women especially all the porn Asian women be in, sucking all that white dong, not an Asian brother in sight. It’s none of that.

Okay, it IS all of that…

But we’ll get back to this stuff in a minute. Because it’s a smaller part of the picture. The reason why so many white dudes date Asian girls, the REASON why so many white dudes date Asian girl is…white women are too damn hot. White women are just TOO DAMN HOT.

Now let me explain. When motherfucking white homeboy was young, say about 12, 13, he discovered something every boy that age also discovers all over the world: masturbation. Now let’s think about what homeboy was whacking it to at that age. Asian women? You mean to tell me at age 13 the only thing he was whacking it to was Lucy Liu in the catsuit in Charlie’s Angels? He had that shit on loop, DVD remote in hand, concentrating on her tight ass flipping around in slow motion? Don’t sound right, does it? What other Asian women were there? Connie Chung? 13 year-old white boy got his pants around his ankles and a thumb up his ass to Connie’s nightly news broadcast? Granted, she did have some nice skin back in the day. Connie must have exfoliated like a motherfucker back in the day! But was 13 year-old white boy rubbing one out to her pants-suit covered ass? I don’t think so.

Homeboy was of course spanking it to, what all of us spank it to at that age, the four Bs:  Blonde hair, blue eyes. big boobs, and booty. There’s an eskimo in the Yukon right now, sitting all up in his igloo, seal skin pants around his ankles, whale oil in one hand, and a rolled out centerfold of Pamela Anderson in the other. Pam Anderson, Jenny McCarthy, all those Playboy playmates. As soon as your 13 year-old eyes glance at those giant fake titties, a stampede of jizz rushes out like the crowd for the new Air Jordans on Black Friday!

How did homeboy’s tastes change? How’d he go from the four Bs to this OTHER set of four Bs: Black hair, brown eyes, B-cup and booty-free? How did white boy’s taste change?

Well one-hundred and ten wedgies later… I mean, when you’re that age, who’s getting the hot blonde-haired, blue-eyed girl? It’s the JOCKS. In school, the alpha male is always the jocks. Homeboy in the meantime was getting PICKED ON by those jocks. And 4 B girl was probably off to the side laughing her pretty blonde ass off. After one-hundred and ten wedgies, there’s is no way on God’s green earth this dude has the self-confidence to get himself the 4 Bs. He barely has the self-confidence to get ANY ass for that matter.

But he’s got to get laid. The biological urge is kicking. His forearm’s about to rip through his sleeve!

So now he gets older, goes to college or starts his first job, and moves to a bigger city. And now there’s a lot more diversity, including, you guessed it, Asian chicks. Now our list from before applies. ”I might have bits of underwear swimming around my colon, but Suzie Wong don’t care! Suzie Wong is dying for some white dick!”

Look, all of us are out here trying our best to get laid, using everything we can to give us an edge. The problem here is using stereotypes and RACISM to get yourself laid. I mean, that’s just sad and pathetic. But it takes two to tango so that leads us to…

Asian women. Why do so many Asian women date white dudes? There’s a lot of theories on this too, but they all wrong as well. It’s not because they got daddy issues, that their stoic Asian fathers weren’t loving enough, and that for some reason their dad’s represent an entire half-a-race of people. It’s not because the media presents Asian dudes as wimpy nerds and Asian girls buy into this. It’s not because they are rebelling against their parents. And it’s not because they want to fit in with the majority and licking Josh’s hairy nipples is the easiest way to get ahead. It’s none of that.

Okay, it IS all of that…

But the reason so many Asian girls date white dudes, the REASON why so many Asian girls date white dudes is…the SAME REASON white dudes date Asian girls…white women are TOO DAMN HOT.

Let’s back up a minute and give a broader picture here. What is the number one criteria in women picking the men they bone? I ain’t talking about being in love and shit, I’m talking about just casual dating. What’s the number one thing that makes women decide which taint they tickle? If you know anything about dating it’s that women choose guys that other hot women want. Women choose guys that OTHER hot women want. Wilt Chamberlain didn’t bone 20,000 women because of his warm personality. It wasn’t because he was chivalrously holding a door open with a big goofy grin on his face . It wasn’t even because of his giant ass dick! The REASON Wilt Chamberlain got so much ass is because other women be fucking him. Sure, it helps to be rich and famous. But the back-up center wasn’t getting anywhere near as much ass. It’s because all the other hot girls were hanging off Wilt the stilt’s schlong like the chin-up bar on the school playground! And the other hoes wanna do chin-ups too!

But the theory doesn’t just apply to just rich and famous dudes. This applies to any community of people. School, work, a circle of friends, you name it. Girls want to fuck the dude that other hot girls are fucking. You can be an average run of the mill schmuck, but if hot bitches are around, other hot bitches want to jump on your dick too. You’re not gonna get laid because you like cool music or read a lot of intellectual books. Yeah, drop an Arcade Fire reference on a girl and see how far that takes you. While the ‘player’ is getting goo-goo eyes left and right, Mr. Arcade Fire is left talking about cool music to a semi-catatonic war vet at the end of the bar (who btw, is getting flashbacks because he thinks Arcade Fire is some spy code for ‘bomb’ and is about to shit his pants).

So how does this apply to Asian women? Again, back to the 4 Bs. Every time an Asian girl opens up a fashion magazine, it’s the 4 Bs. Every time an Asian girl turns on the TV, it’s the 4 Bs. Every time an Asian girl goes to the movies, etc, etc. How is black hair, brown eyes, B-cup and booty-free gonna compete? It’s simple: take their men! Now I’m just as hot as you bitch! I ain’t got blonde hair. I ain’t got blue eyes. I ain’t got big tits. And my booty is flatter than the latest Samsung LCD TV! But I got one thing. I got Billy! And I got Billy’s balls! Right in my mouth! Ummm, vanilla!

Now what the Asian girl doesn’t realize here is, the white dude she’s fucking is NOT getting the white ass she thinks he’s getting. Again, one-hundred and ten wedgies later…  The last girl homeboy dated was some fat chick named Sarah or Meagan. Meth addict. Pussy big as the lobby at the Waldorf-Astoria! Asian girl ain’t getting even with white girl because any DECENT white girl wasn’t anywhere near her Asian fetishist dream guy.

The whole point is this: These couples are together for the WRONG reasons. And that reason is LOW SELF-ESTEEM.

The truth is, white women aren’t as hot as we think they are. It’s a false perception created by the media. Just like all stereotypes I’ve listed about Asians. There are so many perceptions and stereotypes that the masses just seem to completely buy into. All you have to do is think about your own life and the people you ACTUALLY KNOW. Those white chicks you see in the fashion magazines, do you see them on a daily basis? As you read this, ‘Sarah’ is at the table next to you, a lightly audible echo coming from her crotch. Those wimpy, nerdy Asian guys, where the fuck are those motherfuckers? You don’t know them because NO ONE knows them, they live in they mom’s basement playing Call of Duty all day and never leave the Goddamn house!

Besides, this all just leaves the 4 Bs for who? Asian dudes! I know you don’t see a lot of these couples now, but the math’s eventually gonna compute. And Asian dudes are getting jiggier and jiggier. So get yourselves some ass my Asian brothers!

But don’t you dare talk about Arcade Fire…