Sunday, June 24, 2012
Sounds Old People Make
I hesitated posting this entry because I don’t want to create any more negative stereotypes of Koreans/Asians than there already are. But this falls in line the blog’s humorous observation of cultural differences theme. Racist fucks that happen to read this and are obsessed with stereotyping shouldn’t make me censor myself. Korea is an amazing country with a tremendous economic future, an emphasis on education and infrastructure. As of this moment there are 6 subway lines or extensions being constructed. And none of them smell like urine! Take that racist foreigner!
Onto the blog entry:
SUCKING ON TEETH
This is usually old men. I don’t know the rhyme or reason why this noise is made. One would assume it’s because food is stuck in the teeth. But when I hear on old man make this noise, it just seems to go on and on forever. I took the express bus from my neighborhood to the airport, about 30 minutes. The entire ride there, the bus driver made this noise non-stop, every 3 minutes minutes on cue. Either you just gotta give up and realize that piece of beef ain’t coming out, or wait until you get your hands on some modern marvel of technology, like the toothpick or dental floss!
But this is nowhere near as common as-
SNAPPING ON GUM
This is almost always old women. Sometimes you’ll ride the subway and, just like with the teeth sucking noise, it will just go on for the duration of your ride, 30 minutes or more. And since it continues after you get off, who knows how long this snapping session goes on for. I wonder what happens on a gum snapping old lady’s average day:
- Wake up, and still groggy with sleep, reach for gum. Snap!
- Finish breakfast. Gum hidden in the back of the mouth. Snap!
- Take a shower. Snap! Snap!
- Go to work. Snap-mania!
- Evening power walk. Snap-snap-snap-a-roo!
- Go to bed. Put head down on pillow. Snap! Zzzzzzzzzzz.
But this is nowhere near as common as-
This is nothing short of a phenomenon here. It’s mostly old men, but a fair share of old women do this as well. People hock loogies at any place, any time, any situation. On the street. On the subway platform. On the bus. On the stairs. In hallways. In elevators. The public restroom is quite a popular place. An old man will get his flem wad ready about 5 steps before he hits the urinal, then splat a huge wad just before he takes a whiz.
My subway stop is a mere 3 minute walk from my apartment but I almost always hear someone hocking before I hit the stairs. Then, inside the train, people are always making the hocking noise but not spitting. Hock and swallow it so it goes right back into your throat?! Can anyone tell me the point of this?! I’ll lie in bed at night and just as I’m about to fall asleep, I’ll hear a loud hock from the alleyway 4 floors down. You can’t escape!
Just wanted to pleasantly share the top three loogie hocking moments of my two years here. BTW, all of these examples happened in a split second and my eyes just instinctively followed this stuff before my brain could tell me to look away or be scarred for eternity.
3. Old man walks across me, begins hocking. He proceeds to, what looks like, CHEW on the loogie for a moment. Then slowly oozes out a line of flem from his mouth. Deee-li-shuss!
2. I get out of my apartment to go to work and of course withing a few steps a loogie hocker walks towards me. This guy had a crazy look in his eyes, like he may have just gotten out of the mental institution. Instead of the traditional hocking noise, he makes a noise that sounded a lot closer to THROWING UP. Then out comes a humongous flem glob. But the odd part was, he did not lower his head even a millimeter, his head was in the exact same upright position. And he didn’t even spit it, it just kinda falls out of his mouth. The glob was a centimeter away from his clothes, yet somehow managed to avoid touching anything. This guy either didn’t care if flem splattered all over his clothes, or was such a spitting expert that he knew the bare minimum amount of effort needed to clear his jeans! Scrump-shuss!
1. Walking to Yonsei University in the morning for my Korean class. There’s a 4-way crosswalk. I’m coming across one diagonal crosswalk, a dude in the other. We’re walking and about to hit the center at the same time. Right as he walks past me, he hocks a giant loogie. I look down and see the BIGGEST PILE OF FLEM IN HUMAN HISTORY. It was literally a COUPLE OF INCHES OFF THE GROUND. Not just a splatty wad of spit, it was visible mounds of greenish-brown. I felt the barf rise up in the back of my throat, quickly looked away and tried to block the image out of my mind just so I could keep my food down. I don’t know what kind of demonic virus this dude must’ve had, but the pile was so big part of me thinks he may have been just saving that shit up so he could make a huge pile of flem intentionally. Ah, it’s good to have a hobby! De-lec-tuh-bull! (BTW, had a brain fart and couldn’t think of a mere 2nd synonym for ‘delicious’. Thanks Thesaurus.com!)
Posted by KyopoMofo at 7:47 AM