A Weird Dude May Be Following Me

When I have to do busy work I go to cafes near my apartment. I’m one of those people that cannot do any work at home for whatever reason. So my baseball cap wearing, crappy LG Netbook using ass is constantly in one of the many cafes in my area. 

A couple of days ago I went to a chain called Cafe Pascucci and sat in the outdoor smoking area. Two tables down is a 40 year old man, hair slicked back with product, wearing sweat pants, sitting alone, smoking, with an ice coffee. He proceeds to let out one ultra-depressing, morbid sigh after another. About one every 3 minutes. In the States the ‘insane weirdo in a public place’ situation is a pretty common thing, especially if you’ve lived in NY or LA. In America we just ignore it and go about our daily lives. Here it’s pretty uncommon, so I’m getting pretty freaked out because I think he’s gonna pull out a gun any minute and start blasting away all the poor folks who just wanted to get a Cafe Mocha and chat about the latest episode of K Pop Superstar (one of the numerous singing competition shows out here). So I move inside by the front door, figuring I can at least dodge the first series of shots and jet like the UBER-PUSSY that I am. But 30 minutes later, he comes inside and sits two tables away from me again. And again, the utterly morose, ‘world is coming to an end’ sighing. There’s no way I can move again at this point, because then it’s obvious I’m creeped out by the guy, which may turn on the ‘insanity button’ in his head and really make him go postal. So I just pretend not to notice the sighing and continue with my writing. He does leave in a few minutes however. 

I’m now at a coffee shop across the street called Dalkomm, sitting in their outdoor smoking area and HERE’S THE DUDE AGAIN. He’s not sighing, but just staring out into space like a zombie. He’s got the same slicked back hair and sweat pants deal. But no ice coffee, just a cup of the free lemon flavored tap water they provide here. He walks by my table and I can FEEL HIM STARING AT ME, (possibly because he remembered me from two days ago?). I have to pretend not to notice him again, because I don’t want to have to make polite small talk with an insane person just to prevent the mindless stabbing of folks sipping on green tea lattes and wondering if they should get plastic surgery on their lower eyelids (it’s a thing out here). To my relief he leaves after about 20 minutes. A half an hour later he COMES BACK to the SAME table. He’s got ONE CHOCO PIE and is eating it and staring out into space again. He drops a crumb on the table then quickly makes it stick to his finger and vacuums it up into his mouth. DEE-lish!

There isn’t a more depressing sight then watching a dude bring ONE CHOCO PIE to a coffee shop to eat by himself. A choco pie can be downed in about 30 seconds. After you pay for it you can probably finish it and throw away the wrapper before your ass even leaves the convenience store. The fact that he brought it to the coffee shop means he WAITED to eat it SPECIFICALLY at the coffee shop. Meaning eating ONE CHOCO PIE is like SOMETHING TO DO. Like for example, some bring their laptop to write in their blog (like moi). Some might study for an exam or work on a school project. This guy comes to the coffee shop to eat ONE CHOCO PIE. Not even a BOX of choco pies. At least that’s like “I’m too cheap to buy the coffee shop desserts but I just want to chill and have a snack and pass the time so I’ll bring this box of choco pies instead”. It’s just ONE CHOCO PIE. This combined with his ‘all dressed up with nowhere to go ’ slick back hair is just an utterly depressing visual experience. 

If you hear about some crazy dude in the Gangnam area of Seoul chainsawing to death ice blended cappucino drinking folks talking about avoiding dinner for several weeks because of their ‘diet’ (it’s a thing out here) then…know that I’m okay. My pussy-ass moved near the front door…