Thursday, August 23, 2012

"Gangnam Style" - A Shot-by-Shot Analysis

The Psy "Gangnam Style" music video phenomenon that's taking over the universe is truly, utterly head-scratching to me for so many reasons. But mostly because it's just NOT GOOD. I mean, I'm glad there's a Korean singer that's reaching this ridiculous level of success, so I initially avoided posting anything. But what's disappointing is that there are a few really great pop acts out here like 2ne1 and Big Bang who have amazing songs that should be getting the international recognition "Gangnam Style" is getting. Also, I just can't escape this song. It's been playing at the convenience store, the cafe, the shopping mall, my students are singing it and blasting it on their cell phones. And friends from the States have been posting the video on Facebook. It seems like one friend every other day.

Today was the last straw, as my sister posted the damn video on my Facebook page. My sister is the quitesential New York hipster. Which means she doesn't like anything in popular culture that has a fanbase of more than 37 people! But for some reason she posts "Gangnam Style" on my wall. She also writes the comment "That horsie dance!" While reading that comment, instead of hearing my sister's voice I hear a white grandmother from the Midwest! And since this video is blowing up so ridiculously, I'm willing to bet this is being said by an actual Midwest Granny as you read this!

So I've had enough and I've decided to analyze this music video shot-by-shot and tell y'all why this just isn't that good.

Here's the video for timecode purposes:


PARK (0:22) - After Psy is sunbathing in the park, a little boy appears and dances just like Michael Jackson, with the 'horsie' dance at the end of his bit. This would be fantastically entertaining...if it were 1983!!! It's been 30 years since the motherfucking 'Thriller' album. Not 10, not 20, 30 motherfucking years. We've seen Michael Jackson impressionists in every shape size and form over those 30 years, including hundreds if not thousands of children as well. Cheesy variety shows, reality show competitions, your fucking junior high school talent show night. So why in the year 2012 do we need to see this again? And how does a music video that consists of this mediocre an idea become an international phenomenon? Do we all really have such low standards for what we consider entertainment? A little kid doing a Michael Jackson impression? This is the "best music video of the year"? BTW, we're fucking only 22 seconds in!

HORSE STABLE (0:26) - Here's the first time Psy himself does the 'horsie' dance. Initially, I thought that the success of this song was completely unprecedented. Everyone in the States is a snob for homegrown pop culture and rarely do foreign artists achieve any popularity. So why has this song from Korea become so huge? Moments after watching Psy do the dance here, I realized there WAS something similar to this in the past: the fucking Macarena!!!

Let's refresh our memories: It was 1994 and a pop duo from Spain called Los Del Rio had a smash international hit. It was their first and last hit in the States (i.e. one hit wonder). It also had a ridiculously easy-to-do, funny, cheesy dance routine! So listen up native tribesman from Ghana that has dreams of being a pop singer: Stop trying to be the next Usher. Spend your time thinking of the most inane, asinine dance routine you can possibly think of and the pop music world is yours for the taking!

CONFETTI SHOT (0:33) - Sorry to nitpick but where is all this confetti coming from? I just don't get this joke. Why is this funny??

SAUNA (0:47) - This part had comedic potential. But they do nothing with it. Tattoo man comes in and you think he may be a gangster or something. But he just starts breakdancing. This is a problem because A. We just had a dancing joke with the kid doing the MJ impression. B. It just ain't that funny to begin with. There were so many other funny things they could have done here. A comedic opportunity is totally wasted.

OLD MEN (1:09) - Why do these two old men playing a board game explode? I just don't get it. Why is this funny??? BTW, I found on "Gangnam Style"'s Wikipedia page that the two old men are Daesung and Seungri from Big Bang. Awesome! Except the make-up is so good, we can't even tell its them! Hilarious!


MERRY-GO-ROUND (1:23) - I live in Gangnam. It's bars and clubs and restaurants and shopping and apartments and girls in really really short shorts. There are NO MERRY GO ROUNDS IN GANGNAM! Why is this in the video? What does this have to do with the notion of 'Gangnam Style'?

YOGA SHOT (1:36) - I think I speak for all of us when I say "HOMEGIRL AIN'T GOT NO ASS!!!!!" Why is Psy going crazy for this butt? There IS NO BUTT!!!

DANCE DUEL (1:45) - My friend told me this is a famous comedian Yoo Jae-Seok. I guess this is an attempt at a funny cameo. Only they give him NOTHING FUNNY TO DO. He just does the 'horsie' dance, but slower. Hilarity ensues! Again, an opportunity for a creative moment is just wasted.


ELEVATOR SHOT (1:57) - This is the only remotely interesting moment in the entire music video. This is another famous comedian making a cameo, Noh Hong-Cheol, and it works. The shot is funny because it accomplishes it's goal, to be completely random and bizarre and weird and that's it. The whole music video should have been filled with moments like this.


HYUNA (2:10) - Okay, the dance routine is fine here, mainly because Hyuna looks so friggin' adorable. She's not her skanked-out hot-pants-wearing gyrating self as we know from "Bubble Pop!", etc. She actually looks somewhat innocent and cute, hopping up and down like a bunny rabbit. I don't know what this says about my taste in women. Or maybe I'm just sexually attracted to bunny rabbits!


JIMJILBANG (AKA PUBLIC BATH) (2:40) - Again another wasted opportunity. Psy is drowning in the hot tub, which is sort of a good idea. But it could have been so much weirder and funnier.

TOILET SHOT (3:13) - This would have been another good moment in the video, but unfortunately the gag of a famous K-Pop star sitting in a public restroom toilet has been done before. And unfortunately it was another huge international K-Pop hit years before "Gangnam Style", Wonder Girls' "Nobody" (at 1:17):


The lesson here is: not only do you need a silly dance number to have a massive international-crossover-smash single, you need to have a MOTHERFUCKER SITTING ON A TOILET!!!

FINALE (3:03) - This is is not Gangnam!!! I'm 99% sure this is the brand new Busan Film Center in, you guessed it, Busan, a mere 6 hour drive away! (would appreciate it if someone could confirm as my Korean friend and I searched and found jack squat) Again, what the hell does this have to do with 'Gangnam Style'???

MORE DANCE DUEL (3:43) - Still not funny!!!

OLD MEN EXPLOSION REDUX (4:05) - What for???

CARTOON (4:07) - Cartoon version of Psy doing the 'horsie' dance. Midwest Granny just fell off her rocker! "That 'horsie' dance!"

To sum up, this video is melange of missed comedic opportunities, sloppy editing, and pointless cameos (except for the sexy bunny rab- uh, Hyuna). And I would've predicted it will be remembered as the "Macarena" of the 2010s, but I know the K-Pop marketing machine will churn out a few more hits for Psy. And that's good! Because I'm really rooting for him. I just hope the music videos are BETTER. Because I know 106 Facebook friends will post it on my page! And I might have to watch yet another ridiculous dance routine!

And Psy will be responsible for Midwest Granny's hip replacement surgery as she falls down the stairs attempting his latest dance routine, the 'soju bottle tornado twirl'.

It's a Korean thing...






Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Kickstarter Site!

A few buddies of mine are shooting a bunch of short films based on my blog. Flattering and a bit weird. This guy Gavin is just not good-looking enough to play me! :)

Check out their Kickstarter site:

http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/1525492072/a-kyopo-in-the-motherland


Wednesday, July 11, 2012

The Weirdest Date of My Life


Dating for Kyopos out here can be a weird thing. If you’re fluent already then I’m sure there’s little trouble fitting in smoothly. And I’m guessing there’s some cultural differences you have to work out. In my case, where my Korean absolutely sucks AND I’m not very immersed in the culture, things can get very weird. 
During my first year in Korea, I was full of energy and excitement being in a new country. So I would do things I wouldn’t normally do in the States. Like go downstairs to the convenience store at the bottom of my apartment building to buy bottled water only to ask the 19-year-old clerk to go to the movies with me right after her shift ended in 3 hours.
I’ve seen this girl working at the convenience store a few times before. She’s very petite and cute. 
I grab my bottled water and go to the counter to pay. This time she instigates some small talk. 
“Are you from the U.S.?”
I do my best in my broken Korean. 
“Yes”, I reply.
“I’m Chinese”, she says.
“Oh really?” 
This leads her into a hysterical laughing fit. I have no idea why this is so funny. Why isn’t it a possibilty that a Chinese girl moved to Korea to work at a convenience store? Maybe she’s also a college student and working at the convenience store part-time. That’s not totally unusual is it?
Anyway, she had a really cute, adorable laugh. After a lengthy chat, my “being-in-a-new-country-enthusiastic-boldness” kicks in and it leads to “Hey, what are you doing tonight? I was gonna go to a movie later. Wanna come?” 
She says yes. We formally introduce ourselves and it turns out she has an English name, Esmerelda. Her old English teacher gave it to her. I don’t think I’ve ever met an Esmerelda in my life. 
I go up to my apartment thinking, “Man, she’s too young for me”, and didn’t think it would be a real date. Maybe more like just hanging out as friends. But who knows? May-December works in movies don’t it?
We go to the movies, then after it ends, she asks if I want to have a drink.
“Sure, what bar?”
“Let’s drink in the park.”
In Korea you can drink out in public. But I realize that a lot of teenagers hang out in the park she mentioned. This environment puts a “weird-perverted-old-man-providing-alcohol-to-minors” kinda vibe in my head, regardless of the fact that she’s enough to drink in Korea. Hey, it was her idea anyway!
We go to another convenience store and she buys a few fruit flavored wine coolers called KGB Vodka (We all know Russians know their Vodka. I guess if the KGB are involved it must be good. And a FRUIT FLAVORED WINE COOLER version only proves this!). 
So we’re sitting on a bench talking about this and that. I notice in the background, a group of teenage boys are sitting in the stands of a little basketball court behind us, hocking enough spit to fill the Exxon Valdez. 
She seems to laugh at every little joke I make. Man, what a laugh. 
At one point her phone rings.
“Hold on a sec”, she says. 
She gets up from the bench and suddenly BOLTS, running away like a fairy sans wings. She doesn’t stop running until she gets all the way to the other side of the park. She keeps going and going until she’s a small speck in my sight of vision. I find myself frozen staring at her. This is utterly weird and charming and funny and cute at the same time. 
A few moments later I see the tiny speck running back towards me. At the midpoint she slows it back down to a normal pace, I guess trying not to look like such a spaz (little does she know in her case spaz is GOOD). When she gets back to the bench she has a look in her eyes like she’s gonna crack up again. 
“Why did you run away?” 
“Oh, it was my dad.” 
“Was it a serious conversation?”
“No, he just makes me practice my Chinese. I get embarrassed because pronunciation’s so bad.” 
“Wait, are you actually Chinese?”
Hysterically laughing fit again. (Why is this so funny???)
A moment later her demeanor changes. She begins talking about her parents and how hard it is to live at home. That her parents treat her like a child and her older sister is always criticizing her. 
We down a few of these finely crafted, aged to perfection wine coolers and the ultra lightweight that I am, I start to feel a little buzz. I think she does too, since she’s talking about her personal life. I’m in my best good-listener mode. 
After a moment of silence, she begins the following exchange:
“Can I ask you a question?”
“Sure.”
“Have you ever had sex before?” 
An 80s-sitcom-style massive spit take followed by laugh track would have totally fit here.
(Like this)
“I’m 33”, I say. 
“And?”, she says.
“Uh, of course I’ve had sex.” (I just took this question as “young-girl-living-in-a- relatively-conservative-country-naivety”. Or perhaps I actually look like a 33-year-old virgin! Not good.)
My slightly buzzed-ass has to take a moment to decipher why this question was asked, the timing of the question, and how I should react. Since she asked me this right after her little spew about her family problems, and that she agreed to go to a movie with someone she just met in the first place, I figured it was a sign to make a move! 
I turn and kiss her. We make out for a little while. As Borat would say “It was verrry niaaaace!”
A few moments later, she pulls her head back and says-
“I have to go.”
“What?”
“I’m sorry I have to go.” 
She begins scrambling all her stuff together. 
“Are you ok?”
“Yes, I’m fine, I just have to go now.” 
“Ok…”
“Bye, sorry, bye.” 
She bolts across the park again, and this time the tiny speck makes a hard right turn and disappears. 
I’m left alone on the bench, with empty bottles of the powerful Russian secret police created hooch, and the endless sounds of teenage boys trying to flood the entire park with their flem. 
I walk back home and get a text from her. It’s long. I’m pretty sure it’s the longest text I’ve ever gotten in my life. But that’s immediately followed by three or four other Guinness-Book-of-World-Records-challenging texts. I’m reading endless text messages about how she can never see me again because she is still in love with her ex-boyfriend who left her for another girl and is studying in China and how she will get him back one day by moving to China and finding him and also apologizing for meeting me and for leaving so quickly and being rude and to take care and have a nice life. 
Ah, the intracacies of long term relationships!
She quit the convenience store, but I would see her walking around the neighborhood sometimes. She would always give me a huge smile and wave like nothing weird ever happened. After a while she just vanished off the planet. 
As I write this entry, the late, great Whitney Houston is playing over the cafe speakers…
“Bittersweet…memories…”
Wherever you are Esmerelda…
…know that someone is out there…
…someone that is thinking about a girl…
…a girl that thinks telling people she’s Chinese is the funniest thing in the history of all verbalized comedy…
…and likes to bolt across public parks for no apparent reason…
“And IIIIIIIIIIII will always love yooooooooooooooooooooooooooou….” 

Sunday, July 8, 2012

Yes, Koreans Do the Asian Squat


Korean people, like the rest of their Asian counterparts, sure do love to squat. 
I’m assuming Asians squat because it rests their legs. But have you ever tried doing this for a prolonged period of time? Your legs just start BURNING. Why is this position comfortable for folks on one side of the globe, excruciating for those on the other? 
Sometimes I’ll be walking around Seoul and out of nowhere, an old man will be squatting in between two parked cars, smoking a cig. Wow, now that’s the pinnacle of relaxation. Fuck my sofa! I need to have two filthy car bumpers inches from my head as my legs feel like they’re being bathed in lava!
SCRIPT FOR A SHORT FILM:
FADE IN:
EXT. BEACH - DAY
Two KOREAN COUPLES, all in their 50s, walk over to a beach carrying bags, beach towels, and beach chairs. 
OLD MAN 1: Ah, ain’t this the life!
OLD WOMAN 1: So nice to finally get some vacation time!
OLD MAN 2: We can finally relax and get a break from work!
OLD WOMAN 2: Here’s a nice spot. Let’s put our stuff down.
The couples unfold their beach chairs and spread their towels over them. They place their the rest of their stuff on top of the towels. 
OLD WOMAN 2: Good thing we brought these chairs.
OLD WOMAN 1: Yeah, wouldn’t want to get any sand in our bags.
All FOUR PEOPLE then proceed to get into the ASIAN SQUAT.  
EVERYONE: Ahhhhhhh!!!!!!!!! 
OLD MAN 1: Ain’t this the life!!!!!
A few beats of “relaxation”.
FADE OUT. 

Thursday, June 28, 2012

A Weird Dude May Be Following Me


When I have to do busy work I go to cafes near my apartment. I’m one of those people that cannot do any work at home for whatever reason. So my baseball cap wearing, crappy LG Netbook using ass is constantly in one of the many cafes in my area. 
A couple of days ago I went to a chain called Cafe Pascucci and sat in the outdoor smoking area. Two tables down is a 40 year old man, hair slicked back with product, wearing sweat pants, sitting alone, smoking, with an ice coffee. He proceeds to let out one ultra-depressing, morbid sigh after another. About one every 3 minutes. In the States the ‘insane weirdo in a public place’ situation is a pretty common thing, especially if you’ve lived in NY or LA. In America we just ignore it and go about our daily lives. Here it’s pretty uncommon, so I’m getting pretty freaked out because I think he’s gonna pull out a gun any minute and start blasting away all the poor folks who just wanted to get a Cafe Mocha and chat about the latest episode of K Pop Superstar (one of the numerous singing competition shows out here). So I move inside by the front door, figuring I can at least dodge the first series of shots and jet like the UBER-PUSSY that I am. But 30 minutes later, he comes inside and sits two tables away from me again. And again, the utterly morose, ‘world is coming to an end’ sighing. There’s no way I can move again at this point, because then it’s obvious I’m creeped out by the guy, which may turn on the ‘insanity button’ in his head and really make him go postal. So I just pretend not to notice the sighing and continue with my writing. He does leave in a few minutes however. 
I’m now at a coffee shop across the street called Dalkomm, sitting in their outdoor smoking area and HERE’S THE DUDE AGAIN. He’s not sighing, but just staring out into space like a zombie. He’s got the same slicked back hair and sweat pants deal. But no ice coffee, just a cup of the free lemon flavored tap water they provide here. He walks by my table and I can FEEL HIM STARING AT ME, (possibly because he remembered me from two days ago?). I have to pretend not to notice him again, because I don’t want to have to make polite small talk with an insane person just to prevent the mindless stabbing of folks sipping on green tea lattes and wondering if they should get plastic surgery on their lower eyelids (it’s a thing out here). To my relief he leaves after about 20 minutes. A half an hour later he COMES BACK to the SAME table. He’s got ONE CHOCO PIE and is eating it and staring out into space again. He drops a crumb on the table then quickly makes it stick to his finger and vacuums it up into his mouth. DEE-lish!
There isn’t a more depressing sight then watching a dude bring ONE CHOCO PIE to a coffee shop to eat by himself. A choco pie can be downed in about 30 seconds. After you pay for it you can probably finish it and throw away the wrapper before your ass even leaves the convenience store. The fact that he brought it to the coffee shop means he WAITED to eat it SPECIFICALLY at the coffee shop. Meaning eating ONE CHOCO PIE is like SOMETHING TO DO. Like for example, some bring their laptop to write in their blog (like moi). Some might study for an exam or work on a school project. This guy comes to the coffee shop to eat ONE CHOCO PIE. Not even a BOX of choco pies. At least that’s like “I’m too cheap to buy the coffee shop desserts but I just want to chill and have a snack and pass the time so I’ll bring this box of choco pies instead”. It’s just ONE CHOCO PIE. This combined with his ‘all dressed up with nowhere to go ’ slick back hair is just an utterly depressing visual experience. 
If you hear about some crazy dude in the Gangnam area of Seoul chainsawing to death ice blended cappucino drinking folks talking about avoiding dinner for several weeks because of their ‘diet’ (it’s a thing out here) then…know that I’m okay. My pussy-ass moved near the front door…

Sunday, June 24, 2012

Sounds Old People Make


I hesitated posting this entry because I don’t want to create any more negative stereotypes of Koreans/Asians than there already are. But this falls in line the blog’s humorous observation of cultural differences theme. Racist fucks that happen to read this and are obsessed with stereotyping shouldn’t make me censor myself. Korea is an amazing country with a tremendous economic future, an emphasis on education and infrastructure. As of this moment there are 6 subway lines or extensions being constructed. And none of them smell like urine! Take that racist foreigner! 
Onto the blog entry:
SUCKING ON TEETH
This is usually old men. I don’t know the rhyme or reason why this noise is made. One would assume it’s because food is stuck in the teeth. But when I hear on old man make this noise, it just seems to go on and on forever. I took the express bus from my neighborhood to the airport, about 30 minutes. The entire ride there, the bus driver made this noise non-stop, every 3 minutes minutes on cue. Either you just gotta give up and realize that piece of beef ain’t coming out, or wait until you get your hands on some modern marvel of technology, like the toothpick or dental floss!
But this is nowhere near as common as-
SNAPPING ON GUM
This is almost always old women. Sometimes you’ll ride the subway and, just like with the teeth sucking noise, it will just go on for the duration of your ride, 30 minutes or more. And since it continues after you get off, who knows how long this snapping session goes on for. I wonder what happens on a gum snapping old lady’s average day:
- Wake up, and still groggy with sleep, reach for gum. Snap! 
- Finish breakfast. Gum hidden in the back of the mouth. Snap!
- Take a shower. Snap! Snap!
- Go to work. Snap-mania!
- Evening power walk. Snap-snap-snap-a-roo!
- Go to bed. Put head down on pillow. Snap! Zzzzzzzzzzz.
But this is nowhere near as common as-
HOCKING LOOGIES
This is nothing short of a phenomenon here. It’s mostly old men, but a fair share of old women do this as well. People hock loogies at any place, any time, any situation. On the street. On the subway platform. On the bus. On the stairs. In hallways. In elevators. The public restroom is quite a popular place. An old man will get his flem wad ready about 5 steps before he hits the urinal, then splat a huge wad just before he takes a whiz. 
My subway stop is a mere 3 minute walk from my apartment but I almost always hear someone hocking before I hit the stairs. Then, inside the train, people are always making the hocking noise but not spitting. Hock and swallow it so it goes right back into your throat?! Can anyone tell me the point of this?!  I’ll lie in bed at night and just as I’m about to fall asleep, I’ll hear a loud hock from the alleyway 4 floors down. You can’t escape!
Just wanted to pleasantly share the top three loogie hocking moments of my two years here. BTW, all of these examples happened in a split second and my eyes just instinctively followed this stuff before my brain could tell me to look away or be scarred for eternity. 
3. Old man walks across me, begins hocking. He proceeds to, what looks like, CHEW on the loogie for a moment. Then slowly oozes out a line of flem from his mouth. Deee-li-shuss!
2. I get out of my apartment to go to work and of course withing a few steps a loogie hocker walks towards me. This guy had a crazy look in his eyes, like he may have just gotten out of the mental institution. Instead of the traditional hocking noise, he makes a noise that sounded a lot closer to THROWING UP. Then out comes a humongous flem glob. But the odd part was, he did not lower his head even a millimeter, his head was in the exact same upright position. And he didn’t even spit it, it just kinda falls out of his mouth. The glob was a centimeter away from his clothes, yet somehow managed to avoid touching anything. This guy either didn’t care if flem splattered all over his clothes, or was such a spitting expert that he knew the bare minimum amount of effort needed to clear his jeans! Scrump-shuss!
1. Walking to Yonsei University in the morning for my Korean class. There’s a 4-way crosswalk. I’m coming across one diagonal crosswalk, a dude in the other. We’re walking and about to hit the center at the same time. Right as he walks past me, he hocks a giant loogie. I look down and see the BIGGEST PILE OF FLEM IN HUMAN HISTORY. It was literally a COUPLE OF INCHES OFF THE GROUND. Not just a splatty wad of spit, it was visible mounds of greenish-brown. I felt the barf rise up in the back of my throat, quickly looked away and tried to block the image out of my mind just so I could keep my food down. I don’t know what kind of demonic virus this dude must’ve had, but the pile was so big part of me thinks he may have been just saving that shit up so he could make a huge pile of flem intentionally. Ah, it’s good to have a hobby! De-lec-tuh-bull! (BTW, had a brain fart and couldn’t think of a mere 2nd synonym for ‘delicious’. Thanks Thesaurus.com!) 

Thursday, June 21, 2012

Getting Hammered


I am a lightweight.
2 drinks and I feel a buzz. 3 and my whole body turns red and I turn into a circus clown trying to make everyone around me laugh. 
Being a lightweight is not good for a prolonged stay in Korea. I’m a conservative drinker and have puked from drinking just twice in my life. Both times it was a mixture of alcohol and motion sickness (train, cab, NOT PRETTY). In my 2 years in Korea I’ve matched that total (stories below) and NEITHER time involved motion sickness. In Korea you drink, drink, and drink some more. It’s just a big part of life out here. 
According to Wikipedia, Korea ranks 14th in per capita alcohol consumption. In comparison, the U.S. is 57th and Japan is 70th. (for those keeping score, #1 is Moldovia. Oh, those drunken lunatic Moldovians!). Common sights every weekend (AND weekdays) include girls who can BARELY STAND being helped home by a pair of jolly friends. Guys in business suits wobbling through the streets, shit talking talking the crap outta each other. And people TOTALLY PASSED OUT on the SIDEWALK, completely alone, NO ONE HELPING THEM. (For further proof, check out this link: http://blackoutkorea.blogspot.com/)
One night I saw a well-dressed woman completely passed out at the top of the subway station escalator. Oddly, her heels were perfectly aligned right next to her. Either a passerby thought it was a kind gesture (oh, how about, I don’t know, GETTING SOME HELP?!) or the woman had the bearings to arrange them herself before her asphalt siesta. Keep it classy San Diego!!!
For those unfamiliar, the usual drink of choice is SOJU, the most revolting concoction in the history of the human existence. It pretty much tastes like what one would think rubbing alcohol would. Even if you have a chaser a centimeter away from your lips, it’s still a complete and utter struggle to make that nasty shit slide down your throat. But that’s partly because of my puss-tastic alcohol tolerance. The natives drink soju like it’s water. In fact, sometimes it’s actually CHEAPER! Soju can get as low as 1,000 Korean won (about 1 U.S. dollar!).
Anyway, onto my two drinking stories. Again, I’m a total lightweight so these are not your black-out, hanging from a tree butt-naked, Justin Bieber’s smiling face newly tattooed on your ass, type of drinking stories, but more of the mildly amusing sort…
One night I decide to go drink with my co-workers on a weekday night. At the time I was working at an academy teaching English in the evenings and studying Korean at Yonsei University for 4 hours each morning. My schedule was insane, and I felt like I should have one night to have a little fun. But I brought my textbook with me to the bar to study for the next day’s quiz, which my co-workers wouldn’t stop ripping on me for. Whatever, I know an entire list of college science majors in Korean, so back off! (to this day I still haven’t used any of them!)
But it actually worked in my favor as a cute white chick used it as an ice breaker and asked me why I was studying at a bar. In a few moments I put the book away in my bag and tried to connect with the girl instead. My co-workers kept handing me one shot of soju after another. I have never blacked out in my life, but there were parts of that night that don’t exist in my brain so I must’ve drank A LOT of soju.
I remember ending up at the girl’s place somehow, but we both just passed out. After a little bit, I got up to go puke in the bathroom. But inexplicably, I went for the sink instead of the toilet. After I hurled, I stood in front of that sink for what felt like an eternity trying to get all the puke to go down the drain. I remember seeing what looked like an unusually large RED PEPPER FLAKE floating in the mix of puke and water. I eventually get it all down the drain and passed out again.
The next week I ended up hanging out at her place again. I get up to go use the bathroom and she says something to the effect of “By the way, my sink drain hasn’t been working too well lately. I have no idea why”. I did! :) 
A few months later I get a new co-worker, a Korean dude that spent some years growing up in Australia. No soju this time as we only drink beer, but the tab is well over $100. It’s about $5 a bottle so I must’ve drank at least 10 beers. Again, I normally get drunk over 3 beers. So I’m HAMMERED. I’m ‘THREE SHEETS TO THE WIND’. I’m at ‘DEFCON 1’. I’m ‘ANIAHALATED’ (thanks Urban Dictionary! I can’t believe the latter is an actual term!). Well it turns out my co-worker’s a huge pimp and manages to convince two hot bartenders to go to ANOTHER BAR with us after their SHIFT ENDS. 
We go to the 2nd bar and in a few moments I breezily glide over to the bathroom and proceed to PUKE MY BRAINS OUT. I return to see my co-worker getting the girls to play these little drinking games where the “punishment” is not only do you have to take a shot, but a girl has to pick a guy to make out with and vice versa.
Without hesitation, my freshly vomit coated tongue is trying it’s best to find the back of the hot bartenders’ throats. Hope I didn’t leave an unusually large RED PEPPER FLAKE down one of them!
Needless to say, a TERRIFIC NIGHT!!!!

Thursday, June 14, 2012

Waiting in Line


Among the many cultural differences in Korea, one that sticks out is the simple act of waiting in-line. 
Basically if you’re not JAMMING IT UP THE ASS of the person in front of you someone will CUT YOU IN LINE.
I remember the time when I first started to notice this, I was at a crowded McDonald’s on a Saturday afternoon, filled with children and families. A woman just zips right in front of me and orders an ice cream cone. Now, it wasn’t like a few feet back where it was a possibility that I could have been just staring at the menu. I was one person back, close enough to show that I was clearly waiting in line, at least by the standards I know.
But the woman just zips in front of me and orders, not bothering to check if I was about to order myself. I then decided to see if I just stayed in the same spot how many other people would cut me as well. To my own quiet amusement, about five other groups cut me in line. Not a single person (nor the counterperson) asking if I was waiting to order. 
What could I possibly have been standing there for? Perhaps I was waiting for the messiah of all fast food mascots himself, Ronald McDonald to make one of his surprise in-store appearances? Just show up at lunch time on a Saturday, stand in the middle of the store, hope for the miracle of all miracles. What a huge jip it would be if that fat fuck Grimace showed up instead. A swift kick to his purple testicles would wipe that smile off his face! 
Maybe I’m a vegan that desperately misses the taste of Big Macs and standing in the middle of McDonald’s and getting second-hand whiffs is all the fix I need to make me jizz in my pants?
Could I have been stalking one of the counter girls? They look mighty attractive in them uniforms. Damn those ball caps! Accessories always complete an outfit!
Anyway, the most obvious reason someone would be standing near the counter of a McDonald’s would be to order a goddamn-HEARTY-and-DELICIOUS-mega-UNHEALTHY-mild-STOMACHACHE-inducing meal! 
Another time, I was at the snack counter at the movies, but this time, I wasn’t testing anything. I swear I took my eyes off the line for like a second (probably checking out some hot chick), when an old man just swoops in front of me. Here, clearly I wasn’t looking at the menu (damn, Korean chicks sure do love booty shorts!). But again, you snooze, you lose. 
I finally get to the counter in the girl tells me that someone has been closed.! Ugh! I glanced over to the other line and there are THREE PEOPLE WAITING. Unbelievable. 
I get on this line and here’s where I began my strategy of butt-fucking the guy ahead of me. I’m still looking off to the side but now it’s to fend off the fuckers that are trying to cut me left and right. Soon, two people of the three are done, the third at the counter. I’m in a lousy mood because it’s taking 15 years to get some goddamn Junior Mints. Suddenly, I hear in Korean. “Next person in line!” The line that they closed off 10 minutes ago suddenly opens up again! 27 years for a box of Jujubees! Amazing!
Lesson learned. So if you’re ever in Korea, you know what to do to avoid line cutters. 
Just remember as a common courtesy to give a reach around.

Thursday, June 7, 2012

The Reason Why So Many White Guys Date Asian Girls (and Vice Versa)


[The following is written as a stand-up comedy bit. The delivery I hear in my head is an Asian Chris Rock.]
Man, there be a lot of white dudes dating Asian girls. A lot of white dudes dating Asian girls. Everywhere you go, LA, NY, there they are. White guy and Asian girl couple. Always holding hands, always sure to show everyone on the street that they’ve looked past racial barriers and love the SHIT outta each other.
It all make an Asian brother wanna throw up.
I even lived in Korea for a few years and ironically it’s over there too. You can’t fucking avoid it. There they go, arm in arm, hand in hand, loving the shit outta each other. Umm, umm, umm. Romance! You can’t stop that romance from happening. You can’t stop the love that unites two people. It’s a Goddamn SIN to stop two people from loving each other, whatever race, creed, age difference, sexual orientation. That’s right, I ain’t one to talk shit about one of the few beautiful aspects of the human existence.
The problem is, when you see a white dude with an Asian girl, a lot of the time it ain’t love. Don’t get me wrong, there’s real couples out there of course. My best friend from high school, a white dude, married an Asian girl. Two beautiful children, a house, double 6 figure incomes, the whole deal. They might as well get a Goddamn white picket fence to show all they neighbors how perfect they are! They are legitimately in love, they are ABSOLUTELY perfect for each other. This is not the couple I’m talking about.
There’s another kind of white dude/Asian girl couple I’m talking about. They’re together for a reason, and it ain’t love. They are together for ONE reason in particular, and it AIN’T love.
Now, there’s a lot of theories out there about why so many white dudes date Asian girls, but they all wrong. It’s not because white men see Asian women as submissive sex toys. It’s not because of some residual power trip left over from the Vietnam and Korean wars and all the stereotypes that came out of that. It’s not the media’s perception of Asian women especially all the porn Asian women be in, sucking all that white dong, not an Asian brother in sight. It’s none of that.
Okay, it IS all of that…
But we’ll get back to this stuff in a minute. Because it’s a smaller part of the picture. The reason why so many white dudes date Asian girls, the REASON why so many white dudes date Asian girl is…white women are too damn hot. White women are just TOO DAMN HOT.
Now let me explain. When motherfucking white homeboy was young, say about 12, 13, he discovered something every boy that age also discovers all over the world: masturbation. Now let’s think about what homeboy was whacking it to at that age. Asian women? You mean to tell me at age 13 the only thing he was whacking it to was Lucy Liu in the catsuit in Charlie’s Angels? He had that shit on loop, DVD remote in hand, concentrating on her tight ass flipping around in slow motion? Don’t sound right, does it? What other Asian women were there? Connie Chung? 13 year-old white boy got his pants around his ankles and a thumb up his ass to Connie’s nightly news broadcast? Granted, she did have some nice skin back in the day. Connie must have exfoliated like a motherfucker back in the day! But was 13 year-old white boy rubbing one out to her pants-suit covered ass? I don’t think so.
Homeboy was of course spanking it to, what all of us spank it to at that age, the four Bs:  Blonde hair, blue eyes. big boobs, and booty. There’s an eskimo in the Yukon right now, sitting all up in his igloo, seal skin pants around his ankles, whale oil in one hand, and a rolled out centerfold of Pamela Anderson in the other. Pam Anderson, Jenny McCarthy, all those Playboy playmates. As soon as your 13 year-old eyes glance at those giant fake titties, a stampede of jizz rushes out like the crowd for the new Air Jordans on Black Friday!
How did homeboy’s tastes change? How’d he go from the four Bs to this OTHER set of four Bs: Black hair, brown eyes, B-cup and booty-free? How did white boy’s taste change?
Well one-hundred and ten wedgies later… I mean, when you’re that age, who’s getting the hot blonde-haired, blue-eyed girl? It’s the JOCKS. In school, the alpha male is always the jocks. Homeboy in the meantime was getting PICKED ON by those jocks. And 4 B girl was probably off to the side laughing her pretty blonde ass off. After one-hundred and ten wedgies, there’s is no way on God’s green earth this dude has the self-confidence to get himself the 4 Bs. He barely has the self-confidence to get ANY ass for that matter.
But he’s got to get laid. The biological urge is kicking. His forearm’s about to rip through his sleeve!
So now he gets older, goes to college or starts his first job, and moves to a bigger city. And now there’s a lot more diversity, including, you guessed it, Asian chicks. Now our list from before applies. ”I might have bits of underwear swimming around my colon, but Suzie Wong don’t care! Suzie Wong is dying for some white dick!”
Look, all of us are out here trying our best to get laid, using everything we can to give us an edge. The problem here is using stereotypes and RACISM to get yourself laid. I mean, that’s just sad and pathetic. But it takes two to tango so that leads us to…
Asian women. Why do so many Asian women date white dudes? There’s a lot of theories on this too, but they all wrong as well. It’s not because they got daddy issues, that their stoic Asian fathers weren’t loving enough, and that for some reason their dad’s represent an entire half-a-race of people. It’s not because the media presents Asian dudes as wimpy nerds and Asian girls buy into this. It’s not because they are rebelling against their parents. And it’s not because they want to fit in with the majority and licking Josh’s hairy nipples is the easiest way to get ahead. It’s none of that.
Okay, it IS all of that…
But the reason so many Asian girls date white dudes, the REASON why so many Asian girls date white dudes is…the SAME REASON white dudes date Asian girls…white women are TOO DAMN HOT.
Let’s back up a minute and give a broader picture here. What is the number one criteria in women picking the men they bone? I ain’t talking about being in love and shit, I’m talking about just casual dating. What’s the number one thing that makes women decide which taint they tickle? If you know anything about dating it’s that women choose guys that other hot women want. Women choose guys that OTHER hot women want. Wilt Chamberlain didn’t bone 20,000 women because of his warm personality. It wasn’t because he was chivalrously holding a door open with a big goofy grin on his face . It wasn’t even because of his giant ass dick! The REASON Wilt Chamberlain got so much ass is because other women be fucking him. Sure, it helps to be rich and famous. But the back-up center wasn’t getting anywhere near as much ass. It’s because all the other hot girls were hanging off Wilt the stilt’s schlong like the chin-up bar on the school playground! And the other hoes wanna do chin-ups too!
But the theory doesn’t just apply to just rich and famous dudes. This applies to any community of people. School, work, a circle of friends, you name it. Girls want to fuck the dude that other hot girls are fucking. You can be an average run of the mill schmuck, but if hot bitches are around, other hot bitches want to jump on your dick too. You’re not gonna get laid because you like cool music or read a lot of intellectual books. Yeah, drop an Arcade Fire reference on a girl and see how far that takes you. While the ‘player’ is getting goo-goo eyes left and right, Mr. Arcade Fire is left talking about cool music to a semi-catatonic war vet at the end of the bar (who btw, is getting flashbacks because he thinks Arcade Fire is some spy code for ‘bomb’ and is about to shit his pants).
So how does this apply to Asian women? Again, back to the 4 Bs. Every time an Asian girl opens up a fashion magazine, it’s the 4 Bs. Every time an Asian girl turns on the TV, it’s the 4 Bs. Every time an Asian girl goes to the movies, etc, etc. How is black hair, brown eyes, B-cup and booty-free gonna compete? It’s simple: take their men! Now I’m just as hot as you bitch! I ain’t got blonde hair. I ain’t got blue eyes. I ain’t got big tits. And my booty is flatter than the latest Samsung LCD TV! But I got one thing. I got Billy! And I got Billy’s balls! Right in my mouth! Ummm, vanilla!
Now what the Asian girl doesn’t realize here is, the white dude she’s fucking is NOT getting the white ass she thinks he’s getting. Again, one-hundred and ten wedgies later…  The last girl homeboy dated was some fat chick named Sarah or Meagan. Meth addict. Pussy big as the lobby at the Waldorf-Astoria! Asian girl ain’t getting even with white girl because any DECENT white girl wasn’t anywhere near her Asian fetishist dream guy.
The whole point is this: These couples are together for the WRONG reasons. And that reason is LOW SELF-ESTEEM.
The truth is, white women aren’t as hot as we think they are. It’s a false perception created by the media. Just like all stereotypes I’ve listed about Asians. There are so many perceptions and stereotypes that the masses just seem to completely buy into. All you have to do is think about your own life and the people you ACTUALLY KNOW. Those white chicks you see in the fashion magazines, do you see them on a daily basis? As you read this, ‘Sarah’ is at the table next to you, a lightly audible echo coming from her crotch. Those wimpy, nerdy Asian guys, where the fuck are those motherfuckers? You don’t know them because NO ONE knows them, they live in they mom’s basement playing Call of Duty all day and never leave the Goddamn house!
Besides, this all just leaves the 4 Bs for who? Asian dudes! I know you don’t see a lot of these couples now, but the math’s eventually gonna compute. And Asian dudes are getting jiggier and jiggier. So get yourselves some ass my Asian brothers!
But don’t you dare talk about Arcade Fire…

Thursday, May 31, 2012

Top 10 Most Awesome Things Said By My Students


Here’s a list of the top 10 most awesome things my elementary and middle school aged students have said to me while teaching at ‘hagwons’ (Korean for ‘academy’. After regular school, Korean students go to academies every day, that specialize in one topic such as math, music, or in my case, English). Note, instead of ‘Mr. Johnson’ etc., teachers are called by the title ‘Sung-saeng-nim’ (teacher) in regular schools. It carries over to the English academies but as the English translation, ‘Teacher’.
10. “Teacher, your hair is trashy.”
9 . “Why don’t girls like you?”
8. From a spiky-haired, permanent mischievous-grin wearing 10 year-old boy: “Teacher, do you know what ‘anus’ is?” (class laughs)
7. “(Insert any of my co-workers names) is a better teacher than you.”
6. After making a corny joke: “Teacher, you are not funny.” Hearing the crickets is bad enough isn’t it?
5. In the middle of class: “Teacher, can I sleep?”
4. From the same boy as number 8: “Teacher, do you know what ‘testicle’ is?” (class laughs)
3. “Teacher, your clothes look poor.”
2. After asking an 8 YEAR-OLD BOY to turn off his cell phone. “Kae-seki…” This literally means ‘son of a dog’ but is closer to ‘motherfucker’ in obscenity level. Like the title of this post says - awesome.
1. And my favorite, from the same boy as numbers 8 and 4: “Teacher, I have invented a new word: ‘anusticle’. (class laughs hysterically)

Monday, May 28, 2012

The Weirdest Day of My Life


[The following is an actual email I sent to my sister last year. Names have been changed to protect the innocent! Also, the NOTES were not in the original email. Finally, the email looks kinda long, so I used CAPS on occasion for your reading pleasure.]
Hey, 
Just wanted to share a story with you because I think you might find it funny. 
I’ve been hanging out with OUR COUSIN TAE MIN (from Incheon) lately. [*NOTE - Incheon is a city directly west of Seoul, the 3rd largest in South Korea] Man, he’s totally different from when we were kids. He’s totally METROSEXUAL! He works part time as a “HOST MODEL” which are really handsome dudes that work as bartenders, but also provide someone to talk to for lonely women (I don’t know if you’re familiar with stuff like this, I think it’s big in Japan). So he told me he spends $500 a month on clothes and accessories, like various bling, shoes, vests, scarves, etc. His hair is quite the coif, one of those really metro haircuts that really handsome guys get out here, like the singers and actors etc. He’s got the same goofy sense of humor as he did as a kid, but now in this complete metrosexual ensemble.
Anyway, after a over a year of exchanging phone calls with him and not actually hanging out, we finally meet up in Incheon. I meet him at a bar and it’s TAE MIN, a GIRL he had met at a club, her overweight friend, and another dude, Tae Min’s friend, a chubby friendly guy we’ll call ‘JEOLLA-DO’. 
So we’re drinking and having fun and Tae Min really wants me to connect with the Girl. She says she’s a bartender. She’s seems a bit loud and a little on the skanky side. But she overall she was cute, so, what the hell. So all of us end up going to her apartment really late into the night. The plan was for us to have a drink there, then Tae Min and his friend would leave. 
We go into her place. This turns out to be a total trip. The entire place is COVERED IN PINK. She actually painted the walls pink herself, to go with a giant pink comforter. She also has about EVERY SINGLE HELLO KITTY ITEM KNOWN TO MAN. She’s got stuffed animals, blankets, dog bowls, bathroom items. slippers, and on and on. She’s wearing pink Hello Kitty pajamas. She offers us something to drink and proceeds to bring out 4 DIFFERENT HELLO KITTY MUGS. The whole thing reminded me of the Terri Garr character in After Hours, like this weird lonely girl, everything in the apartment was extremely clean, almost sterile, but there was something odd and borderline sinister to it all. 
Anyway, Tae Min and his friend leave. I’m alone with the girl and it’s a little bit awkward. After a few minutes she suddenly calls Tae Min and asks him to come back. And for some inexplicable reason, he does! With Jeolla-do! We all end up passing out on the floor of her tiny apartment.  
The next day, since it was a 3 day weekend, me, Tae Min and Jeolla-do decide to go to “Night” which is the Konglish term for booking club, because Tae Min really wants to see me meet a girl. We spend the day just lounging around his apartment.
But all of the sudden, his friend becomes THE WEIRDEST GUY IN THE UNIVERSE. I hear the place he’s from, Jeolla-do (hence the name), is the country side of Korea. Well there must be some real hicks out there, because this guy has no clue about modern societal customs. Like TAKING A SHIT WITH THE DOOR CLOSED! He goes into the bathroom and takes a shit with the door wide open. It’s a tiny studio apartment. He’s taking a shit, and smokes one cigarette and another while on the throne, for what felt like the longest shit taking session in human history. He also hocks one loogie after another into the drain of the bathroom. My mind is completely blown and I think I just laid down on the bed and tried to pretend I was somewhere else. 
After the 2 hour shit, Jeolla-do decides to take a shower. But again, HE KEEPS THE BATHROOM DOOR WIDE OPEN! This fat, butt-naked dude is mere steps away, water from the shower splashing into Tae Min’s apt floor. The whole time Tae Min doesn’t react to this like it’s weird. Until like 20 minutes later when he laughs and says, ‘Water’s splashing all over my floor!” He wipes it with a towel, but doesn’t even close the door! Jeolla-do then finishes his shower. And then proceeds to stand in the middle of the tiny apartment BUTT-NAKED! He’s toweling himself off in the middle of the fucking studio. I’m blocking out everything that’s happening by staring at the internet. I’ve never so intensely studied baseball scores in my life! The dude’s fat ass is right behind me and it’s fucking the weirdest shit ever. Then we sit around and watch TV while Tae Min gets ready, and Jeolla-do hocks a loogie every 5 minutes into a little paper cup. I’m about to throw up, but I try to be polite because I just met this guy, so I don’t run for the hills or anything, I just calmly wait.
Then Tae Min suggests I change my clothes and borrow some of his for the club. So I try on outfit after outfit. Needless to say, this was the most metro moment of my existence. I was wearing skinny jeans, vests, rings, bracelets, etc. He even tried tying these lacy scarves around my neck, but I couldn’t handle that. Even though this wasn’t my thing, I went with it thinking this was the stuff Korean girls dig. 
After we figure out my outfit, Jeolla-do, with this inexplicable enthusiasm, fixes up my hair. He takes fucking forever and I can barely stand it. I mean, the dude was naked or shitting or hocking loogies all day long, so I don’t really feel too comfortable with his tousling my hair. He’s finally done. And I LOOK TOTALLY FUCKING METRO, 11 on a scale of 10. But Jeolla-do and Tae Min are beaming as they think the hairstyle rocks. Jeolla-do can’t get over how good a job he’s done and keeps staring at his handy work. Then he would periodically look at me, reach over to my head, and re-adjust a strand. This happened like 10 times while we were waiting for Tae Min. I’m praying for him to finish getting ready, but he takes about 6 and a half hours, trying on one outfit after another, styling and re-styling his hair. Man, I just want to get the fuck outta here so Jeolla-do gets the fuck away and stop fiddling with my Goddamn uber perfect metrosexual coif! 
We finally go to the club. I don’t know at what point of the night this started, but Jeolla-do now KEEPS TOUCHING ME. Like every five minutes. He talks to me then, lays a hand on my shoulder. He caresses my arm. At one point late in the night he walks past me in the club and his hand grabs my shoulder then slides it’s way down to my stomach, inches away from my crotch, in this bizarre loving caress. I really don’t know if this guy was gay or just THE WEIRDEST MOTHERFUCKER ALIVE. 
We stay out late and of course I pass out after 5 drinks [NOTE - I’m a total lightweight]. But Jeolla-do, sitting across from me at the table, suddenly STOMPS MY FOOT to wake me up. I look up to see there’s no expression on his face. There’s no “I was joking around” smile on his face. He’s just blank. 
A moment later I pass out again. And he STOMPS MY FOOT AGAIN. I wake up to the same blank face. At that point, I’ve had enough and I just walk off and try to avoid this fucking insane idiot for the rest of the night.

We leave the club and I tell them I’m gonna take off. The subway is open at this point and I want to cab it over there. But Jeolla-do insists on driving me back to Seoul since he’s going there too. He wont take no for an answer. So I agree. We go outside and we’re smoking. He suddenly disappears and comes back with this HUMONGOUS BAG OF SNACKS from the convenience store. We all stand out there and he’s snacking and snacking and snacking. Smoking, snacking, hocking loogies, on and on and on. I tell them I have to go, I’m gonna take a cab. He finally drops everything and we get in the car.
He then proceeds to drive. AT ABOUT 10 MPH. Cars are whizzing by us left and right. This night will literally never end. He won’t stop hocking loogies. He wont stop touching my arm when talking. I want to blow my brains out. I tell him to just drop me off at the subway station. He does. 
Despite everything I try to give my warmest good-bye in Korean just to be polite. 
He kinda gives me a half-hearted grunt. 
WTF???!!!
Anyway, that was the single weirdest night of my life. How’s things in NY?

Thursday, May 24, 2012

Top 10 Most Awesome Things I've Heard Foreigners Say in Korea


Here’s a list of the top 10 most awesome things I’ve heard foreigners say directly, second-hand, or read on the internet, in Korea.
10. “All Koreans are creepy.” (???)
9 . (tie) “Koreans walk sooooo slow.”
“Koreans are always in such a hurry.”
8. Military dude: “Did you know 90% of Koreans know Kung-fu?”
Response: “Kung-fu is Chinese. Taekwondo is Korean.”
Military dude: “Oh, that’s that f*ggot shit.”
7. In a conversation about dating Korean women: “I can pick these girls up with these two fingers (emphatically sticks two pinkies out).” (Note - Other than 60 year-old women there are barely any extremely short women out here. Everyone is surprisingly tall. Wait, maybe that guy just wanted to pork 60 year-old Korean women…)
6. The following was at a Culture Exchange Party where Koreans go to practice English with foreigners or vice-versa and people potentially make new friends. It’s supposed to be a warm and fuzzy multi-cultural bonding experience, etc.
Korean guy: “Do you teach English?”
Fat, bald dude: (mocking tone) “Yeah, I teach EnGRISH….”
5. From a 25 year-old: “Aren’t all Asian women submissive?” (Note - It is 2012, isn’t it?)
4. “Korean girls hate me because I’m tall, blonde and pretty.” (If you’re wondering if the girl that said this was actually pretty, just stop and think about what a person that refers to themselves as ‘pretty’ out loud would look like. Got it? Good. )
3. “I love laughing at Koreans.”
2. “Hey hey hey hey hey hey hey hey” while snapping his fingers impatiently. This was a 23 year-old co-worker I had, said to a 50 year-old cab driver. I heard he did this another time to a waitress. And another time to a bartender. And another time to a…you can figure out the rest.
1. And my favorite, my half-black/half white friend had the following exchange at a bar:
Friend: “So how you liking Korea?”
Guy at bar, a ‘you can’t be serious’ look on his face: ”I’m tall…and I’m white…”




Monday, May 21, 2012

The Asian Girl Booty Theory


A friend of mine in college once gave me a theory on why one becomes an “ass man” or a “breast man”. He said breast men are extroverts and ass men are introverts. The reason is the following: When you’re a child, if your mom is constantly praising you, you’re always looking up. Thus, you grow up to be a breast man. If your mom is constantly scolding you, you’re always looking down. Thus, you grow up to be an ass man.
I found this to be one of the most amusing ideas I’ve ever heard. Because it works! I’m pretty much on the introverted side, my mom ridiculed me on a daily basis (more like screamed at the top of her lungs and beat the living shit out of me every day for sport!), and I am most definitely, unequivocally, indisputably…an ass man.
The other day I was watching the UFC fight with a friend. He suddenly pops a random question.
“If you were a UFC fighter, what would your nickname be?”
“I have no idea.”
“I got it. Booty lover!”
I found this hilarious because: A. That nickname sure is a lot softer than other UFC nicknames. Quinton “RAMPAGE” Jackson would surely mop the floor against a guy named “BOOTY LOVER”. B. My friend knows me oh so well. 
When I was in the states checking out booty pretty much every second I was outside my apartment, I noticed a trend. If you’re walking behind a girl and she has a nice ass, 99% of the time she also has a cute face. You know those moments when you want to see if the face matches the quality of the booty so you subtly increase your walking pace. Then when you get to an angle where you can see her face, you check it out but pretend you’re looking at a store front window or something behind you. Right? (All of you do this, correct? No? I’m a big perv? Go fuck yourself.)
Anyway, 99% of the time, bam - nice booty, nice face. My theory on why: A nice, sexy, healthy, booty is good genes. Therefore, it makes sense that the face is also cute, because that’s of course good genes as well. And of course, there are exceptions to the rule, but from my experience it was pretty dead on.
It even went down to the quality of the booty. Like, if the booty is really nice, so’s the face. If the booty is medium nice, then the girl’s face is medium cute. If the booty is some nasty mess of misplaced cellulite, bulging through the jeans at odd angles then…you get the picture.
So I’m in Korea now, and of course, continuing my favorite hobby of checking out booty on the street. But the weird thing is, my theory doesn’t work. In fact the OPPOSITE is true. 99% of girls that have nice butts, are NOT attractive. You do the increase-your-pace, look-over-your-shoulder-pretending-to-look-at-something-else move (You know you do this. No? I’m a disgusting sexist pig? Go fuck yourself.) Then, bam - some girl with a horse face. Or a girl with a big mess of protruding teeth. Or some weird asymmetrical Pablo-Picasso-painting-looking motherfucker. Always.
Why is this the case? I put some thought into this and realized it’s the same reason for non-Asian girls: GENES.
A normal Asian girl is not SUPPOSED to have an ass. Asians are thin and flat. That’s the norm. That’s healthy genes. A crazy ga-dunk-a-dunk on an Asian girl is a genetic aberration. Pretty Asian girls are skinny, well-dressed, model looking types, but their uber tight jeans wrap themselves around some mediocre ass. Again, of course there are exceptions to the rule, but 9 out of 10 times pretty Asian girls have no booty. By the way, if you’re reading this and you are an Asian girl with a nice booty, you of course fall into the 1 out of 10 category and are fucking smoking-ass hot. (Translation: I need people to read my blog!)
I have another theory in regards to genetics/appearance/body parts that kinda correlates here. And it’s dudes with big dicks! Really handsome dudes (IE good genes) never have huge wangs. Tom Cruise and Brad Pitt? Tiny wangs! It’s always these gangly weird looking motherfuckers. The best example I can think of is the cartoonist Robert Crumb. If you’ve seen the documentary “Crumb”, about his life, they interview a lady who works for some low end porn magazines. She mentions that Crumb has “one of the hugest penises in the world”. Goes with my theory perfectly. Big nosed, gangly looking motherfucker. Not exactly a genetic masterpiece of a human being looks wise. So it’s not so weird for him to have a genetic aberration, a gangly-ass dick between his gangly-ass legs. So 9 out of 10 handsome dudes do not have big dongs. By the way, if you’re reading this and you have a big wiener then you fall into the 1 out of 10 and you’re a very handsome motherfucker. (Translation: I really need people to read my blog!)
Anyway, if you’re in Korea go out and test theory and see if I’m right. Nice booty = mediocre face. No booty = really pretty.
But make sure you have your “looking-at-a-storefront-window” look down tight. 
You perv!