The Reason Why So Many White Guys Date Asian Girls (and Vice Versa)

[The following is written as a stand-up comedy bit. The delivery I hear in my head is an Asian Chris Rock.]

Man, there be a lot of white dudes dating Asian girls. A lot of white dudes dating Asian girls. Everywhere you go, LA, NY, there they are. White guy and Asian girl couple. Always holding hands, always sure to show everyone on the street that they’ve looked past racial barriers and love the SHIT outta each other.

It all make an Asian brother wanna throw up.

I even lived in Korea for a few years and ironically it’s over there too. You can’t fucking avoid it. There they go, arm in arm, hand in hand, loving the shit outta each other. Umm, umm, umm. Romance! You can’t stop that romance from happening. You can’t stop the love that unites two people. It’s a Goddamn SIN to stop two people from loving each other, whatever race, creed, age difference, sexual orientation. That’s right, I ain’t one to talk shit about one of the few beautiful aspects of the human existence.

The problem is, when you see a white dude with an Asian girl, a lot of the time it ain’t love. Don’t get me wrong, there’s real couples out there of course. My best friend from high school, a white dude, married an Asian girl. Two beautiful children, a house, double 6 figure incomes, the whole deal. They might as well get a Goddamn white picket fence to show all they neighbors how perfect they are! They are legitimately in love, they are ABSOLUTELY perfect for each other. This is not the couple I’m talking about.

There’s another kind of white dude/Asian girl couple I’m talking about. They’re together for a reason, and it ain’t love. They are together for ONE reason in particular, and it AIN’T love.

Now, there’s a lot of theories out there about why so many white dudes date Asian girls, but they all wrong. It’s not because white men see Asian women as submissive sex toys. It’s not because of some residual power trip left over from the Vietnam and Korean wars and all the stereotypes that came out of that. It’s not the media’s perception of Asian women especially all the porn Asian women be in, sucking all that white dong, not an Asian brother in sight. It’s none of that.

Okay, it IS all of that…

But we’ll get back to this stuff in a minute. Because it’s a smaller part of the picture. The reason why so many white dudes date Asian girls, the REASON why so many white dudes date Asian girl is…white women are too damn hot. White women are just TOO DAMN HOT.

Now let me explain. When motherfucking white homeboy was young, say about 12, 13, he discovered something every boy that age also discovers all over the world: masturbation. Now let’s think about what homeboy was whacking it to at that age. Asian women? You mean to tell me at age 13 the only thing he was whacking it to was Lucy Liu in the catsuit in Charlie’s Angels? He had that shit on loop, DVD remote in hand, concentrating on her tight ass flipping around in slow motion? Don’t sound right, does it? What other Asian women were there? Connie Chung? 13 year-old white boy got his pants around his ankles and a thumb up his ass to Connie’s nightly news broadcast? Granted, she did have some nice skin back in the day. Connie must have exfoliated like a motherfucker back in the day! But was 13 year-old white boy rubbing one out to her pants-suit covered ass? I don’t think so.

Homeboy was of course spanking it to, what all of us spank it to at that age, the four Bs:  Blonde hair, blue eyes. big boobs, and booty. There’s an eskimo in the Yukon right now, sitting all up in his igloo, seal skin pants around his ankles, whale oil in one hand, and a rolled out centerfold of Pamela Anderson in the other. Pam Anderson, Jenny McCarthy, all those Playboy playmates. As soon as your 13 year-old eyes glance at those giant fake titties, a stampede of jizz rushes out like the crowd for the new Air Jordans on Black Friday!

How did homeboy’s tastes change? How’d he go from the four Bs to this OTHER set of four Bs: Black hair, brown eyes, B-cup and booty-free? How did white boy’s taste change?

Well one-hundred and ten wedgies later… I mean, when you’re that age, who’s getting the hot blonde-haired, blue-eyed girl? It’s the JOCKS. In school, the alpha male is always the jocks. Homeboy in the meantime was getting PICKED ON by those jocks. And 4 B girl was probably off to the side laughing her pretty blonde ass off. After one-hundred and ten wedgies, there’s is no way on God’s green earth this dude has the self-confidence to get himself the 4 Bs. He barely has the self-confidence to get ANY ass for that matter.

But he’s got to get laid. The biological urge is kicking. His forearm’s about to rip through his sleeve!

So now he gets older, goes to college or starts his first job, and moves to a bigger city. And now there’s a lot more diversity, including, you guessed it, Asian chicks. Now our list from before applies. ”I might have bits of underwear swimming around my colon, but Suzie Wong don’t care! Suzie Wong is dying for some white dick!”

Look, all of us are out here trying our best to get laid, using everything we can to give us an edge. The problem here is using stereotypes and RACISM to get yourself laid. I mean, that’s just sad and pathetic. But it takes two to tango so that leads us to…

Asian women. Why do so many Asian women date white dudes? There’s a lot of theories on this too, but they all wrong as well. It’s not because they got daddy issues, that their stoic Asian fathers weren’t loving enough, and that for some reason their dad’s represent an entire half-a-race of people. It’s not because the media presents Asian dudes as wimpy nerds and Asian girls buy into this. It’s not because they are rebelling against their parents. And it’s not because they want to fit in with the majority and licking Josh’s hairy nipples is the easiest way to get ahead. It’s none of that.

Okay, it IS all of that…

But the reason so many Asian girls date white dudes, the REASON why so many Asian girls date white dudes is…the SAME REASON white dudes date Asian girls…white women are TOO DAMN HOT.

Let’s back up a minute and give a broader picture here. What is the number one criteria in women picking the men they bone? I ain’t talking about being in love and shit, I’m talking about just casual dating. What’s the number one thing that makes women decide which taint they tickle? If you know anything about dating it’s that women choose guys that other hot women want. Women choose guys that OTHER hot women want. Wilt Chamberlain didn’t bone 20,000 women because of his warm personality. It wasn’t because he was chivalrously holding a door open with a big goofy grin on his face . It wasn’t even because of his giant ass dick! The REASON Wilt Chamberlain got so much ass is because other women be fucking him. Sure, it helps to be rich and famous. But the back-up center wasn’t getting anywhere near as much ass. It’s because all the other hot girls were hanging off Wilt the stilt’s schlong like the chin-up bar on the school playground! And the other hoes wanna do chin-ups too!

But the theory doesn’t just apply to just rich and famous dudes. This applies to any community of people. School, work, a circle of friends, you name it. Girls want to fuck the dude that other hot girls are fucking. You can be an average run of the mill schmuck, but if hot bitches are around, other hot bitches want to jump on your dick too. You’re not gonna get laid because you like cool music or read a lot of intellectual books. Yeah, drop an Arcade Fire reference on a girl and see how far that takes you. While the ‘player’ is getting goo-goo eyes left and right, Mr. Arcade Fire is left talking about cool music to a semi-catatonic war vet at the end of the bar (who btw, is getting flashbacks because he thinks Arcade Fire is some spy code for ‘bomb’ and is about to shit his pants).

So how does this apply to Asian women? Again, back to the 4 Bs. Every time an Asian girl opens up a fashion magazine, it’s the 4 Bs. Every time an Asian girl turns on the TV, it’s the 4 Bs. Every time an Asian girl goes to the movies, etc, etc. How is black hair, brown eyes, B-cup and booty-free gonna compete? It’s simple: take their men! Now I’m just as hot as you bitch! I ain’t got blonde hair. I ain’t got blue eyes. I ain’t got big tits. And my booty is flatter than the latest Samsung LCD TV! But I got one thing. I got Billy! And I got Billy’s balls! Right in my mouth! Ummm, vanilla!

Now what the Asian girl doesn’t realize here is, the white dude she’s fucking is NOT getting the white ass she thinks he’s getting. Again, one-hundred and ten wedgies later…  The last girl homeboy dated was some fat chick named Sarah or Meagan. Meth addict. Pussy big as the lobby at the Waldorf-Astoria! Asian girl ain’t getting even with white girl because any DECENT white girl wasn’t anywhere near her Asian fetishist dream guy.

The whole point is this: These couples are together for the WRONG reasons. And that reason is LOW SELF-ESTEEM.

The truth is, white women aren’t as hot as we think they are. It’s a false perception created by the media. Just like all stereotypes I’ve listed about Asians. There are so many perceptions and stereotypes that the masses just seem to completely buy into. All you have to do is think about your own life and the people you ACTUALLY KNOW. Those white chicks you see in the fashion magazines, do you see them on a daily basis? As you read this, ‘Sarah’ is at the table next to you, a lightly audible echo coming from her crotch. Those wimpy, nerdy Asian guys, where the fuck are those motherfuckers? You don’t know them because NO ONE knows them, they live in they mom’s basement playing Call of Duty all day and never leave the Goddamn house!

Besides, this all just leaves the 4 Bs for who? Asian dudes! I know you don’t see a lot of these couples now, but the math’s eventually gonna compute. And Asian dudes are getting jiggier and jiggier. So get yourselves some ass my Asian brothers!

But don’t you dare talk about Arcade Fire…