The Asian Girl Booty Theory

A friend of mine in college once gave me a theory on why one becomes an “ass man” or a “breast man”. He said breast men are extroverts and ass men are introverts. The reason is the following: When you’re a child, if your mom is constantly praising you, you’re always looking up. Thus, you grow up to be a breast man. If your mom is constantly scolding you, you’re always looking down. Thus, you grow up to be an ass man.

I found this to be one of the most amusing ideas I’ve ever heard. Because it works! I’m pretty much on the introverted side, my mom ridiculed me on a daily basis (more like screamed at the top of her lungs and beat the living shit out of me every day for sport!), and I am most definitely, unequivocally, indisputably…an ass man.

The other day I was watching the UFC fight with a friend. He suddenly pops a random question.

“If you were a UFC fighter, what would your nickname be?”

“I have no idea.”

“I got it. Booty lover!”

I found this hilarious because: A. That nickname sure is a lot softer than other UFC nicknames. Quinton “RAMPAGE” Jackson would surely mop the floor against a guy named “BOOTY LOVER”. B. My friend knows me oh so well. 

When I was in the states checking out booty pretty much every second I was outside my apartment, I noticed a trend. If you’re walking behind a girl and she has a nice ass, 99% of the time she also has a cute face. You know those moments when you want to see if the face matches the quality of the booty so you subtly increase your walking pace. Then when you get to an angle where you can see her face, you check it out but pretend you’re looking at a store front window or something behind you. Right? (All of you do this, correct? No? I’m a big perv? Go fuck yourself.)

Anyway, 99% of the time, bam - nice booty, nice face. My theory on why: A nice, sexy, healthy, booty is good genes. Therefore, it makes sense that the face is also cute, because that’s of course good genes as well. And of course, there are exceptions to the rule, but from my experience it was pretty dead on.

It even went down to the quality of the booty. Like, if the booty is really nice, so’s the face. If the booty is medium nice, then the girl’s face is medium cute. If the booty is some nasty mess of misplaced cellulite, bulging through the jeans at odd angles then…you get the picture.

So I’m in Korea now, and of course, continuing my favorite hobby of checking out booty on the street. But the weird thing is, my theory doesn’t work. In fact the OPPOSITE is true. 99% of girls that have nice butts, are NOT attractive. You do the increase-your-pace, look-over-your-shoulder-pretending-to-look-at-something-else move (You know you do this. No? I’m a disgusting sexist pig? Go fuck yourself.) Then, bam - some girl with a horse face. Or a girl with a big mess of protruding teeth. Or some weird asymmetrical Pablo-Picasso-painting-looking motherfucker. Always.

Why is this the case? I put some thought into this and realized it’s the same reason for non-Asian girls: GENES.

A normal Asian girl is not SUPPOSED to have an ass. Asians are thin and flat. That’s the norm. That’s healthy genes. A crazy ga-dunk-a-dunk on an Asian girl is a genetic aberration. Pretty Asian girls are skinny, well-dressed, model looking types, but their uber tight jeans wrap themselves around some mediocre ass. Again, of course there are exceptions to the rule, but 9 out of 10 times pretty Asian girls have no booty. By the way, if you’re reading this and you are an Asian girl with a nice booty, you of course fall into the 1 out of 10 category and are fucking smoking-ass hot. (Translation: I need people to read my blog!)

I have another theory in regards to genetics/appearance/body parts that kinda correlates here. And it’s dudes with big dicks! Really handsome dudes (IE good genes) never have huge wangs. Tom Cruise and Brad Pitt? Tiny wangs! It’s always these gangly weird looking motherfuckers. The best example I can think of is the cartoonist Robert Crumb. If you’ve seen the documentary “Crumb”, about his life, they interview a lady who works for some low end porn magazines. She mentions that Crumb has “one of the hugest penises in the world”. Goes with my theory perfectly. Big nosed, gangly looking motherfucker. Not exactly a genetic masterpiece of a human being looks wise. So it’s not so weird for him to have a genetic aberration, a gangly-ass dick between his gangly-ass legs. So 9 out of 10 handsome dudes do not have big dongs. By the way, if you’re reading this and you have a big wiener then you fall into the 1 out of 10 and you’re a very handsome motherfucker. (Translation: I really need people to read my blog!)

Anyway, if you’re in Korea go out and test theory and see if I’m right. Nice booty = mediocre face. No booty = really pretty.

But make sure you have your “looking-at-a-storefront-window” look down tight. 

You perv!