The Asian Girl Booty Theory

A friend of mine in college once gave me a theory on why one becomes an “ass man” or a “breast man”. He said breast men are extroverts and ass men are introverts. The reason is the following: When you’re a child, if your mom is constantly praising you, you’re always looking up. Thus, you grow up to be a breast man. If your mom is constantly scolding you, you’re always looking down. Thus, you grow up to be an ass man.

I found this to be one of the most amusing ideas I’ve ever heard. Because it works! I’m pretty much on the introverted side, my mom ridiculed me on a daily basis (more like screamed at the top of her lungs and beat the living shit out of me every day for sport!), and I am most definitely, unequivocally, indisputably…an ass man.

The other day I was watching the UFC fight with a friend. He suddenly pops a random question.

“If you were a UFC fighter, what would your nickname be?”

“I have no idea.”

“I got it. Booty lover!”

I found this hilarious because: A. That nickname sure is a lot softer than other UFC nicknames. Quinton “RAMPAGE” Jackson would surely mop the floor against a guy named “BOOTY LOVER”. B. My friend knows me oh so well. 

When I was in the states checking out booty pretty much every second I was outside my apartment, I noticed a trend. If you’re walking behind a girl and she has a nice ass, 99% of the time she also has a cute face. You know those moments when you want to see if the face matches the quality of the booty so you subtly increase your walking pace. Then when you get to an angle where you can see her face, you check it out but pretend you’re looking at a store front window or something behind you. Right? (All of you do this, correct? No? I’m a big perv? Go fuck yourself.)

Anyway, 99% of the time, bam - nice booty, nice face. My theory on why: A nice, sexy, healthy, booty is good genes. Therefore, it makes sense that the face is also cute, because that’s of course good genes as well. And of course, there are exceptions to the rule, but from my experience it was pretty dead on.

It even went down to the quality of the booty. Like, if the booty is really nice, so’s the face. If the booty is medium nice, then the girl’s face is medium cute. If the booty is some nasty mess of misplaced cellulite, bulging through the jeans at odd angles then…you get the picture.

So I’m in Korea now, and of course, continuing my favorite hobby of checking out booty on the street. But the weird thing is, my theory doesn’t work. In fact the OPPOSITE is true. 99% of girls that have nice butts, are NOT attractive. You do the increase-your-pace, look-over-your-shoulder-pretending-to-look-at-something-else move (You know you do this. No? I’m a disgusting sexist pig? Go fuck yourself.) Then, bam - some girl with a horse face. Or a girl with a big mess of protruding teeth. Or some weird asymmetrical Pablo-Picasso-painting-looking motherfucker. Always.

Why is this the case? I put some thought into this and realized it’s the same reason for non-Asian girls: GENES.

A normal Asian girl is not SUPPOSED to have an ass. Asians are thin and flat. That’s the norm. That’s healthy genes. A crazy ga-dunk-a-dunk on an Asian girl is a genetic aberration. Pretty Asian girls are skinny, well-dressed, model looking types, but their uber tight jeans wrap themselves around some mediocre ass. Again, of course there are exceptions to the rule, but 9 out of 10 times pretty Asian girls have no booty. By the way, if you’re reading this and you are an Asian girl with a nice booty, you of course fall into the 1 out of 10 category and are fucking smoking-ass hot. (Translation: I need people to read my blog!)

I have another theory in regards to genetics/appearance/body parts that kinda correlates here. And it’s dudes with big dicks! Really handsome dudes (IE good genes) never have huge wangs. Tom Cruise and Brad Pitt? Tiny wangs! It’s always these gangly weird looking motherfuckers. The best example I can think of is the cartoonist Robert Crumb. If you’ve seen the documentary “Crumb”, about his life, they interview a lady who works for some low end porn magazines. She mentions that Crumb has “one of the hugest penises in the world”. Goes with my theory perfectly. Big nosed, gangly looking motherfucker. Not exactly a genetic masterpiece of a human being looks wise. So it’s not so weird for him to have a genetic aberration, a gangly-ass dick between his gangly-ass legs. So 9 out of 10 handsome dudes do not have big dongs. By the way, if you’re reading this and you have a big wiener then you fall into the 1 out of 10 and you’re a very handsome motherfucker. (Translation: I really need people to read my blog!)

Anyway, if you’re in Korea go out and test theory and see if I’m right. Nice booty = mediocre face. No booty = really pretty.

But make sure you have your “looking-at-a-storefront-window” look down tight. 

You perv!

A Quick Post About the Bus...

Today I took the bus to work and the bus driver slammed on the brakes at my stop 5 TIMES successively.

Not once, not twice...5 quick slams before opening the doors.

Foreigners living in Korea know that you must hang on for dear life when riding the bus. Oddly, the locals don't seem to mind or even lose their balance for that matter. I was wondering out loud why this was and without hesitation my Kyopo friend responds "It's because Koreans are ninjas!"

I would just love to see hidden camera footage of bus driver training in Seoul.

Do the drivers automatically pass if they make test passengers puke their brains out???

Giving Directions

Whenever I ride the subway, there’s some old person that asks me for directions. This happens quite frequently, like once a week. They assume I’m a native, then out comes my bad Korean. I usually never know the place so I say “Chal mo-le-geh-sum-ni-da”, Korean for “I’m not sure.”

This is always followed by a completely dumbfounded look from the person that just asked me, which I can’t quite figure out. But even if I was a native Korean, questions arise. For example, why can’t these old people read subway maps? They’re everywhere! As I’m writing this on the train, there’s one to my left, and one to my right. There’s one I downloaded to my phone. And there’s multiple giant sized maps at the platforms of each station. How is asking some random schmuck easier than looking at a map that has every station laid out before your very eyes!

There was one time an old lady stopped me and asked about one particular station. I told her that I didn’t know. Again, utter dumbfounded look. As I’m walking away she goes to her friend and they both begin laughing. The tone (as well as the timing), suggested it  was a mocking laugh of some sort. I find this odd so hop down the stairs to my platform and quickly check the subway map (which the old bag should have done!) to see if it was some obvious, big transfer station that every living being in Korea knows about (doesn’t that mean Sophia and Blanche should know about this as well?!). I check the map and find the station (it took about 10 seconds!) and saw that it was some completely random station, way north, no transfers connected to it.

So why were those old bags laughing? Perhaps my accent is such utter shit and to them, worth a hearty chuckle. Perhaps I should’ve put more effort into helping them and they were making fun of my rudeness. Either way, if I can find the darn station in 10 seconds, mosey your orthopedic shoes over to a map and look it up yo darnself!

Today happened to be a very weird day in regards to giving directions. For two reasons: 1. The person asking was not an old Korean person, but an Indian or Middle Eastern guy. 2. I actually knew the station!

I don’t mean to offend anyone, this is purely written for description purposes, but this guys just looked like the dictionary definition of a terrorist. He had this crazy, vacant look in his eyes, appeared filthy, and had worn out old clothes on. This guy walks over to me on the subway car and asks me in English “Where’s Sindorim?” Well I knew where it was and a quick glance on the map showed it was 3 stops away. The guy sat back down. A job seemingly well done. After months of dumbfounded looks, finally some success! I was psyched!

A mere 2 stops later the subway doors open. The guy looks at me and asks “Sindorim?”

Not only did I tell him moments earlier it was 3 stops away, but I also held 3 fingers up in case there was a language barrier. I think he may have even repeated the word “3” back to me!

Now knowing that the dude couldn’t count to 3, I just shook my head and left it at that. I thought about saying “1 more” but if the dude can’t count to 3, there’s probably only a 30% chance he can count to 1. So I just sat there, hoping he’d figure it out.

A moment later, Sindorim arrives. The automated subway announcer clearly says “Sindorim”. I look up at him and nod. He gets up and walks over to the door. By George, he’s got it.

The train begins to slow down.

The dude looks over at me.

“Sindorim?”

I found myself just staring ahead like a zombie and sarcastically nodding my head. If the dude wasn’t sure it was Sindorim then: A. Why’d he stand up? B. Why’d he subsequently walk over to the doors???

I wonder what it’s like when this guy needs to find a bathroom? He must stand next to a guy taking a massive leak and ask: “Toilet?”

His order at McDonald’s is slid over the counter: “Hamburger?”

He falls into the back seat of a cab and the door slams shut: “Taxi?”

Anyway, I hope he’s not a terrorist. Because maybe that day he was heading to some embassy to suicide bomb it. And it’s at Sindorim! That means I’m partly responsible.

“Today’s top story, suicide bomber kills 30 at a US Emabassy near Sindorim station. Apparently some Kyopo schumck gave the learning disabled man pitch perfect directions in English, for a place he never would have found on his own in a million years. Way to go, asshole!”

Maybe I should stick to  “Chal mo-le-geh-sum-ni-da”….

Sidney Lumet/Paris Baguette

There’s a chain of bakeries in Korea called Paris Baguette. There’s literally one on every block! One pleasant, sunny summer day I took a stroll around my neighborhood and decided to get lunch at one nearby my apartment. I order a sandwich and sit at a table outside. I take a bite of my sandwich and then look up to see ANOTHER PARIS BAGUETTE directly across the fucking street!

Anyway, since I’m out here in Korea to make as much money as I can teaching English, I cram my schedule with class after class, gig after gig. I’m running around like a chicken without a fucking head all over the city of Seoul. Sometimes I have like a 10 minute window to eat lunch before the next class starts.

At said omnipresent bakery chain there’s a croissant sandwich that was a perfect match for the sometimes small window of time I can eat lunch. It consists of a really light croissant, a slice of ham, a slice of cheese, a piece of lettuce and some delicious concoction of a sauce that I don’t have the foggiest clue of what the ingredients are. But the whole thing is so light that I can wolf down 2 of them fast. Real fast. I actually timed it once. I picked up two sandwiches, walked across the street to my academy, got up to my class and I had wolfed down both. Time: 4 minutes. That usually leaves time before class starts for my students to make fun of my haircut or tell me that my legs are short. (Kids are always making fun of their academy teachers out here. Or maybe it’s just me!)

The whole thing reminds me of a part in legendary filmmaker Sidney Lumet’s book “Making Movies”. Lumet talks about how his military experience taught him how to nap on cue to save energy. He used this skill while on the set of his films during his half hour lunch break, taking a power nap for 25 minutes. The other 5 minutes he spent wolfing down the following: a rolled up slice of turkey and a piece of lettuce, doused with a slab of mayo. I think he wolfed down 2 of these and took his nap. Anyway, I’m probably the only motherfucker on earth who thinks of Sidney Lumet while eating at Korean bakery chain Paris Baguette. And the weird part about it all, if you haven’t figured it out by now: They fucking rhyme!

So, a shout out to the Legendary director of Serpico, Dog Day Afternoon, Network, The Verdict and Before the Devil Knows You’re Dead (amongst many other classics). And a shout out to delicious, mystery-sauce-laden, wolf-downable croissant sandwiches!!!